Through the Doors

A quiz

2008-06-10T17:25:00.003+08:00

Ha well, this is a bit late, but I just realised I got tagged by Quek to do one of those blog quizzes, which I generally don't do 'cos I can't be bothered and I think it's silly to keep passing the quiz on to other people. It's like one of those stupid chain emails that either bless or curse you. But because I feel like blogging today and it's a fairly interesting quiz (I would like to see how I answer it too), I shall try it out. But before I begin I'll add this disclaimer: I'm not going to pass it on. The buck stops here.

#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

Ha well, what a question to start with. I would definitely be pissed, and hurt, very. Probably shocked too. The order in which those emotions arrive would depend on how exactly I was betrayed I suppose. Or it would be a mixture of everything at once.

#2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?

Ahhh, I like this. It would be my usual fantasy of relaxing in some far off exotic location involving either of the two following scenarios (of course if I could shuttle between both it would be even better): curling up in a cosy armchair by a crackling fire in some homely cottage, book in hand, with a large library behind me, next to a window with snow falling outside. Actually need not be snow. Could be lush rolling green fields with snowcapped mountains in the distance, ie somewhere in Switzerland. The other scenario would be lounging on the beach in either the Maldives or the Bahamas before returning to my suite in Hotel Atlantis. Actually come to think of it I would prefer the European fantasy.

#3. If you could be at one place right now, where would it be?

I'm tempted to say see the above, but on second thought there are so many places I'd rather be in. Hmm, either London or Venice I suppose.

#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?

Yes. I wish I knew my destiny, but then things wouldn't be so exciting.

#5. What's your ideal lover like?

Ha, wouldn't you like to know. Uh, intelligent (not more than me), easygoing, friendly, able to hold a good long conversation, confident but not to the point of overbearing obnoxiousness, caring, tactful, and yes, a good dose of sweetness. Hai why does it always have to be sweet? But I realise I have a sweet tooth. Oh yes and pleasant to the eye of course. Preferably with a good sense of fashion.

#6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

To love, of course, since it is quality of the divine, to love without expectation.

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

Depends on what you mean by wait. As in how long will I wait to find someone I really love, or how long will I wait for the person I love to ready to love me back/return from some far off journey/marry me? In both cases, it's really hard to set a timeframe.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

Wait and see.

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

Yes. The Navy and my general feeling of discontentment with life.

#10. What do you want most in life?

To buy a house with a white picket fence. Seriously, to find something truly fulfilling and do it.

#11. Is being tagged fun?

No.. This quiz is very long...

#12. How do you see yourself in ten years time?

Successful and married.

#13. Who is the current most important person to you?

No one in particular.

#14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

Narcississtic, to ask such a question. Nah, but seriously, he's smart, opinionated, moody and melancholic, good to go shopping and eating with, nice to talk to.

#15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?

Uh, single and rich, because because being married and poor can potentially cause a lot of misery for the family, and being single and rich doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely and miserable. Besides, who knows?

#16. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?

A cute little dog.

#17. What are one of those things which you would prefer not to do?

NS.

#18. What kind of person do you think you are?

Complicated.

#19. What do you define as a bad day?

Being in camp.

#20. If you have to choose between love and friendship, what would it be?

This is a stupid question, because as quek pointed out, friendship is a form of love, and the best lovers are friends. But since the questioner obviously meant romantic love, I suppose I'd go with that, since what's the point of all the friends in the world if you missed the one person you were made for?

And that ends it! What a long quiz. Anyway, it's been pretty exciting in camp, but I;m probably not allowed to talk about what happened, so call me if you want to know.

Dog Days

2008-05-27T21:54:00.002+08:00

27 May, six more months to go. These are the dog days of NS, when everything crawls just when you want it to go faster. In actual fact, the whole of NS can be described as the dog days of my life. In any case, the second half of this year looks set to be very busy, just when I'm thinking of winding down.

C S Lewis was right when he said the devil's best weapon against us is through the sheer monotony and dreariness of life. Keep the mortals focused on theier everyday tasks. Let them slip into little, "ordinary" sins, small vices that don't harm anyone, that they think don't harm anyone. Let them get comfortable. In the end we become bland, insipid creatures on the highway to hell, borne along by a steady stream of "small" vices. It's always the little things that kill in the end.

I'm afraid I've been travelling on such a stream for a long time now. I feel weighed down by a dozen little things that crop up every so often in my life, only to be pushed down quickly by some other event. And I'm too lazy to deal with them, any of them. I've become almost numb to it all. I don't know when this nonchalence started, but I want to get rid of it. It's dangerous I know. I feel it strongly, this spiritual neglect and apathy. It's like I've lost direction, motivation, strength. I can't keep a steady line of thought going for too long a time now. The only person who can make me flare up with almost diabolical rage these days is my brother, and even then I can't sustain it for long. Perhaps no one can, and in any case it's better for my health not to do so. But I feel a general sense of fatigue about everything these days, a jadedness that's pricked by life's annoyances every now and then. And even so I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being annoyed at every little thing. I'm tired of being tired. I know I shouldn't be affected by my circumstances, that I should rise above them, but I suppose this is the natural end result of someone who loses track of God. Everything goes off track and you become led by whatever happens to fall in your path, instead of you walking confidently forward following the Light.

It's time I did something about this. If you read this and you believe, pray for me.

Duty

2008-04-21T15:52:00.002+08:00

Do you ever get one of those times when you've received so many orders and duties at work you just want to relax at home on a weekend and not do anything at all? I guess it happens to everyone. You serve others so much at work you just want to be served on your off days. You don't want to think about anything even moderately stressful; you don't want to hear the word "duty"; you don't want to do anything for anyone. In short you just want to be left alone. I get that feeling all the time. I think ever since I enlisted I've developed a variation of the victim mentality, that since I do so much shit work (pardon my language) for others throughout the week I demand the best service and pleasure during the weekends. And I get angry whenever my time is wasted during the weekends.

I'll be frank about what started me on this rant. (I rant a lot these days don't I? But what's the point of this blog if not to allow me to purge my frustration?) I was asked to "serve" by doing games for cell group this Saturday. It seriously is not the fault of the person who asked me. It was an instinctive response on my part to shirk away from all responsibility on a weekend, on a day when I feel I should be served, not cracking my brain about how to keep 20 people entertained with some banal game. I know I sound horribly self-centred. But I can't deny the fact that I was irked. I was irked that I was asked to perform a duty for the cell on the first Saturday I'm able to attend after two consecutive weeks of weekend duties. To add insult to injury, I was asked about this yesterday, during my duty in yard.

Her exact words were, "Would you like to serve?" I wonder why she phrased it like that. That was what got to me. Usually people just ask, "Hey, can you do games this sat..." But this was different. And when longsuffering me replied in the affirmative, albeit with a very reluctant tone, her response was this, "Be joyful! It's serving the Lord too! :)"

I don't know, but at that moment I was tempted to reply that certain people believe that blowing themselves up in the middle of a crowd is service to God too. Well, I didn't say that, but her obliviously joyous tone was grating to my heavy spirit.

If I force myself to look at the situation objectively, and in a Christian spirit, then yes, I reluctantly have to say that doing games is a service to God, for whoever serves these little ones serves Him as well, no matter how mind numbingly boring the act may be. And yes, I know I shouldn't let circumstances dictate my happiness. Joy is an act of the will, the decision to rejoice in spite of one's circumstances, and to pray the God will supply the happy feelings. Well then, God help me find a banal game to entertain 20 people this weekend.

Materialism

2008-04-14T09:06:00.002+08:00

These days when I sit before the monitor trying to blog I am always struck by a sense of emptiness, as though there's nothing worth saying here. Why do I bother blogging? This is not a private journal, and yet I feel the urge the pour out my deepest, darkest troubles onto the world. Isn't that sheer exhibitionism? Yet I take some comfort in the fact that no one reads my blog anymore, so there is a measure of privacy, even if I'm just trying to delude myself.

What to say though? I just feel empty and shallow these days. I've felt this way before, years back in school. It's the feeling I get when I realise my happiness depends on nothing more than the material, like the next time I book out, or my next meeting with friends, shopping, eating, watching a movie. I enjoy all these things, but nowadays I sense they've gotten too much of a hold on me, to the extent that I wonder sometimes about the day I finally ORD. When all this trouble, the thorn in my neck for two years, is gone, will I just feel empty and rootless? Because as of now, NS provides a counterpoint to my material happiness, the black to my white. How then will I know beauty if I live on a bed of roses? At such a point I usually convince myself that the gloom that's descended on me is linked much closer to NS than just my shallow materialism, and that my ORD will not see a dying out of euphoria a few days after it.

And yet I cannot ignore what I just called my shallow materialism. Shallow, ha. To think I would call myself that. Maybe not exactly shallow. Materialistic more like it. Shallowness would imply an inability to see the emptiness, an inability to notice the deep end a few metres beyond the bathing pool. But how? How to shake this off? It's linked, I know deep down it is, to my increasing detachment from the spiritual life. And what plagues me most is my inertia, my sheer laziness to get up and do something about it. Writing does not help in practical action here. Maybe writing clarifies things, brings thought into focus, but it certainly does not dispel sloth. Prayer? You know alot of times I feel my prayers are mere words without actions, a temporary balm to appease a vengeful deity. Completely erroneous of me I know, but these are the sort of thought errors I am liable to fall into without rigorous correction time and time again. My God is both Saviour and Lord, the Righteous Judge who also stands as my Advocate in heaven. I need to bring back that balance in my life. And yet words without thoughts never to heaven go.

Drained

2008-03-31T19:54:00.002+08:00

I really question myself nowdays about the life I should be the living and the one I actually am. Is it normal to feel continuously drained and exhausted, barely holding on to the end of the line each day? I know in my heart it shouldn't be this way. My friend tells me he barely sleeps when he gets home from camp. There's so much to do outside that sleeping seems a waste. To me it's the opposite. Once I've bathed and settled into clean clothes back home, a general sense of fatigue always falls upon me, and I crawl into bed. It's as if before reaching home my body's working overtime to maintain this hyped-up state of urgency to detect and pre-empt all nonsense in camp, and once I'm back the line, stretched to breaking point, snaps.

This continuous fatigue is making me feel as though the world owes me something everytime I book out. I know it from the way I react to things. I get so irritated when I reach home and see my brother on the computer, as he invariably is, because I feel I should be granted uninterrupted access to the computer at home. I get mad at the bloodcurdlingly slow pace of human traffic in the train stations, as if the whole world is out to delay my return to home. I fume when I have to eat a lousy meal on the weekends, because I want to enjoy myself after all the crap I stomach during the week. I'm becoming a crabbier, more short-tempered person by the day; I can see it in myself. I am plagued by fears, worries, anxieties, tossed to and fro on waves of uncertainty. I need a break, a very long break to recuperate.

A raging helplessness

2008-03-07T22:53:00.002+08:00

Writing has become my final outlet for pouring out my woes, the last medium through which I may attain some measure of catharsis. Only here do I exercise full control over what I say, being free from any of the distracting interruptions that are inevitable in conversation.

I like studying the mechanics of anger and frustration, seeing as they occur so frequently in me. At present, given the topic of my post, I am of course, angry. But anger is too general a term to describe the gamut of emotions I’m currently feeling. To try and bring the reader into my experience, I must describe the sequence of events that brought me to this pass. There is nothing remarkable about these events that have made me angry. They occur very frequently in the armed forces. However, since attempts to describe them in a general sort of way always tend to lack impact, in my opinion, I have decided that I must be specific and describe them as they are.

To begin with let’s start with Monday. On Monday I discovered that my ship would be sailing till 7pm, thereby preventing me from joining my cell group for the dinner they were planning to have in celebration of my birthday the next day. Well and good. Next, I discovered that the whole week’s schedule was to be changed dramatically. Because of that demented fanatic on the loose, my ship has been tasked to patrol the area to look for him. So, that meant spending Tuesday, my birthday, out at sea. To add insult to injury, Thursday, which is now designated as an off day for the crew due to patrol duty this Sunday (yes, I have to sail on Sunday too), became my duty date. This means while everyone goes for an off day, I have to come back for duty. So I’ve been sailing since Tuesday, and only just came back home. This Friday I will sail again, so in effect Saturday will be my only rest day. So much for birthdays.

Hungry, tired, trying to make my way back home, I found the roads jammed with traffic. After an hour and a half from Tuas I finally reached Serangoon station, only to wait a further 15 minutes for the bus. When I got off at my stop, I headed for the market to buy dinner. Realising I had no money, I went to the ATM, and saw a long queue, which meant I had to wait another 10 minutes. That being done I waited 5 more minutes for my food before finally returning home.

That’s the sequence of events that got me into this state. It’s an all too familiar feeling. An angry, frustrated resignation that just drains me. I’m so tired of feeling this way all the time. Overwhelmingly it’s a feeling of helplessness, the feeling that nothing is going your way and you’re powerless to change the situation. It raises strong surges of anger within me, made all the more stronger by the constant recognition that nothing I do will help the situation. It’s a vicious cycle, this raging helplessness. It all adds up to a very potent brew that’s been stirring in me for a long time now, indeed ever since I enlisted. I hate the army, and I’m tired of hating, and I know nothing I do will hasten my exit from the army, thereby making me hate it more, and fall into this weary resignation. How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

Coda:
The above post is two days late, as it was originally intended for Wednesday. But once again, as part of a never-ending series of little things to annoy me, my modem failed to start up that day, so I saved all my ramblings on Word. Since then I've thought of a few more things to say.

I would like to destroy once and for all the myth that sailing is fun and exciting. I know that to the land-bound person the idea of a ship on the high seas will always carry with it visions of romance and adventure. It is a very easy fantasy to fall into if you watch enough movies and television. But like all such fantasies based on reel life, it is highly erroneous. A few misconceptions must be corrected here.

Firstly, when I sail, I do not end up at foreign port. To the civilian, a voyage must always start at home and end up at some foreign destination. This is wrong. Most navy ships simply sail out to the surrounding straits for patrols or operations before returning back to base. Many of these exercises can be completed within a day, therefore it is not true that a sailor is necessarily well-travelled in the popular sense of the phrase.

Secondly, and more importantly, there is nothing exciting about sailing. It is as dull as, say, taking a ferry to Batam. I simply stay onboard and perform the tasks required of my vocation, which are dull and monotonous too, and basically that's it. All talk of the sun and sea and the salty tang of the air in my face are poetic fantasies written by people who were either sailing in an earlier age when ships weren't completed air-conditioned, or who were sailing for leisure. Most of the time the crew is indoors, watching DVDs or sleeping or eating. As these things can be done much more comfortably at home, I see little excitement to be made about sailing. So please, to everyone who gushes "That sounds fun!" each time I tell them I'm sailing, excuse me if my reply to you sounds weary and cynical.

Fishes of Men

2008-02-24T21:15:00.002+08:00

A disastrous thing happened today, an event of unprecedented proportions. For the first time in my life, I had to pay extra for wastages at a sushi buffet. Yes, I ended up paying double of the actual buffet price, because the amount of food we had left on the table was equivalent, no, more in fact, than the normal buffet price. It is a sad tale to tell...

Quek and I went to Cineleisure to eat at that smelly place, as no other sushi restaurant serves teatime buffet over the weekend. We reached it after 4, but the buffet ends at 5.30, with the last order being at 5. We only got a table at 4.35, and so we had to rush to order all the extra ala-carte buffet items that are not found on the revolving belt. In our haste we made the foolish mistake of overestimating our appetites and ordered double, triple even, of everything. And having done so, we proceeded to stuff our faces with more food from the belt. A foolish, foolish mistake. By the time the extra food ordered came, we were already full. What a disaster that was.

We were like drunks after that, laughing bitterly, senses gorged, faculties functioning at 10% in Quek's case. It is truly an unprecedented disaster. In our shock I suppose our minds tried to force some meaning into the event. He said this felt important. It is important, but beyond the immediate blow to our wallets the ramifications are harder to explain. One thing's certain; this is a confirmation of our shrinking appetites and ageing bodies. We are growing old, my friend, oh yes. No more feasts for us, I think, but gluttony of delicacy can be a pleasant alternative.

And one more thing. We were lamenting our precarious position in life at the moment, how it seems that, at age 20, we are adrift, directionless, bereft of the joy, meaning and purpose that we, as the redeemed people, should rightfully possess. A quarter-life crisis is upon us. On my part I feel spiritually lazy, and lost as well. I enjoy C.S. Lewis, but I think there's a problem when I read his books just for the intellectual stimulation. Religion cannot be a mere mental exercise, something to muse and ponder about over a cup of coffee or heaps of unfinished sushi plates. And yet I feel increasingly like an armchair Christian. I'd like to say that the idea of the perpetually joyful, faithful Christian who moves through life with purpose and meaning is a stereotypical fantasy that non-believers or the naive think, but truth be told, are we merely using that as an excuse to cover up the fact that our faith is woefully inadequate when in actual fact, the true Christian life is one of power, joy, peace, purpose?

I think I'll end with that rhetorical question for today. Time to think a bit, and hopefully, act.

2008-02-23T11:28:00.002+08:00

10 more months to go. Much has happened since I last posted. I went to Port Blair and came back and a few days ago I finally passed out officially from training. Now I'm a posted crew member onboard ship, which means that my life onboard should get better. For those wondering, I did not go to mainland India. I went to the Andaman Nicobar Islands which belong to India. Port Blair is the capital of the islands, which happen to be located in the Andaman Sea, north of Sumatra. For those who don't know where Sumatra is, get a map.

Since coming back I've been sailing practically everyday. It's quite tiring, and waking up freezing each morning is not exactly pleasant. But now that I'm a posted crew member I'll get to go home much more often, and that will hopefully make things better.

I need a new game.. I'm quite bored with the ones I have now, which are fairly old. Sins of a Solar Empire seems quite interesting..

11 months to go

2008-01-15T08:45:00.000+08:00

I've decided to post an entry on the 15th of each month. This is to maintain a constant stream of updates to this erstwhile dead blog, but most importantly, to mark the the fact that I'm one month closer to freedom. The 15th of December '06, you see, was the date I enlisted, and as you can see from the title of this post, I have 11 more months to go. Short, and yet too long. An entire year! My only consolation is that the previous month passed quickly enough. May all months pass as quickly, but let time stand still once I regain civilian status.

Today is also significant for another matter. I sail for India later in the afternoon, and I won't be back till the 31st, so don't try and contact me. To be precise I'll be heading for the Nicobar islands in the Andaman Sea, which belong to India, so I won't be setting foot on mainland India. Hopefully I won't get seasick. The thought of living with and seeing the same annoying people day after day is really a downer. Oh well, wish me bon voyage!

Joy to the world

2007-12-25T18:16:00.000+08:00

And it came to pass in those days that the malls began decking their halls with more than holly, and the ceasars of commerce declared that all the world should spend freely. Christmas is here again, my favourite holiday of the year. As commercialised and secular as it has begun, all the red, gold, green and snow of Christmas always conjures up such festive and nostalgic feelings within me. I've always wanted to spend Christmas in a cosy armchair next to a crackling fire on the hearth, while outside my quaint cottage snow falls gently, and church bells chime. An impossibly romantic picture drawn from Disney and Hallmark, but I still yearn for it every time this season rolls around.

This is my second and last Christmas spent while in NS. This time next year I shall be out of the grasp of this wretched organisation, and perhaps I shall then spend Christmas overseas in some snow clad country. I've always wanted to go back to Switzerland. But my mom says you shouldn't return to the same place as the feeling's always different, and I agree with her. But it's been so long. I was P6 then. I wouldn't mind Italy though. In fact I wouldn't mind any place in Europe. I just want to get out of this country. It's NS. It's always NS, getting to me. The army has become my favourite whipping boy. If I could blame every bad thing that happens to me on it, I would. In fact in most cases, I do.

Ah nevermind. Here's to my next Christmas, and better days ahead. Joy to the world.

Back in the bully pulpit

2007-09-23T17:36:00.000+08:00

Yesterday Owen and I took part in the inaugural Singapore Debate Open, after a painful prelude to it which is too long and messy to be related here. The important thing is that the Open was thoroughly enjoyable and worth all the hassle. We did relatively well, coming in 2nd, 3rd, and 2nd for the three preliminary rounds, which is even more commendable considering the following conditions: (a) we have not debated competitively in over a year, (b) this would be the first time we were debating in British Parliamentary style, and most crucially (c) we are serving NS, meaning our brains have been more or less languishing in limbo for the past year. And now, for a blow by blow account of the day.

For those who don't know, the British Parliamentary (BP) style of debating involves 4 teams of 2 in the same room, with 2 teams on each side. This is why instead of just saying who won the debate, judges rank the teams from 1 to 4, with 1st position worth 3 points and 4th earning you zero. Yesterday we got 5 points out of a possible 9.

The first motion was on political freedom: THBT the West should end military cooperation with Pakistan till it allows political opposition candidates to return home from exile. I shall always remeber this debate as the one where I successfully gave Owen a 10 minute briefing on the Pakistani domestic situation, AND, he pulled it off in his speech. The chief adjudicator was convinced he knew his stuff. As for me he was sufficiently impressed by my in-depth analysis (I ripped from the economist most liberally) to invite me to join NUS debates when I enter haha.

The second was THW ban the extradition of accused serial rapists to countries which might impose the death penalty by stoning. This one was bad. Very messy and frankly, my speech was appalling. We both know next to nuts about Shariah law except that it allows stoning to death and some half-formed assertions on its lack of accountability etc. Ah well, at least we weren't ranked 4th.

Now, the last debate was most interesting. THBT all churches should stop preaching that homosexuality is an abomination. I happened to be on the side of the closing government, so you can imagine my initial doubts about this motion. But as in all debates it really doesn't matter what side you're initially on. Every argument can be rebutted. In this case I suppose it was a little more extreme, but we pulled it off. In fact I gave my best speech of the day for it. I wonder what implications that has...

So, overall, a very fruitful and enjoyable experience. What I like about BP style is its rowdiness and aggression. You have people crying "hear, hear" or "shame, shame" from both sides of the house, and at one point it almost resembled a shouting match haha. I suppose it adds some spice.

TV is black and white

2007-08-26T21:18:00.000+08:00

I just watched Hairspray and it's fantastic. I haven't enjoyed watching a movie so much in a long time. It was thoroughly entertaining, bursting with energy, colour, movement, all the ingredients of a greatr musical. I've always liked musicals. Here's to hoping Hollywood continues to produce more of them.

It's interesting how it took a movie to make me post something new again. Guess I just felt in a good mood after watching it. Haha, anyway, I'll be catching The Campaign to Confer the Public Star on JBJ next month. Hope it's good. I've already missed so many good stage productions this year. First it was Phantom of the Opera, then King Lear (by Ian McKellen no less), and now The King and I. Why do all the big shows come to town when I'm in NS? Ah well, hopefully 2009 won't be too bad.

Passing out, again, and again, and again...

2007-07-12T21:12:00.000+08:00

I'm quite sure no one drops by to check my blog these days. I don't expect them to; it's been dead for months. So I'm not quite sure if anyone will read this, but in any case, I feel that I should update, if for no other reason than to keep a record for myself so that 10 years down the road I may read this and laugh. Of course, Blogger might not be around 10 years down the road. That raises interesting problems about sentimentality I suppose.

Anyway, I wanted to say that I'm passing out of my Naval Junior Ratings course tomorrow. It's like the most basic course in the Navy that everyone goes through. Next week I'll be informed of my vocation, so hopefully I'll get a good one. Thuis will be the third time I'm passing out of some course, despite the fact someone once said you only pass out once...

I'm frequently amazed at the places and situations in which I find myself in the military. Amazement does not necessarily connote delight of course, but in this case I find myself pleasantly surprised to be doing something I'm fairly familiar with out in the civilian world. My OC asked me to be the emcee for tomorrow's passing out ceremony this morning. This morning I was onboard ship, entereing harbour. This evening I'm sitting in front of my computer typing. I often find it... interesting to note how much difference a few hours can make in the military. In any case, I find it quite nice to be able to exercise skills one would not normally associate with uniformed personnel haha.

You know, whenever I visit my friend's blog I begin to worry at my increasing lack of introspection. All too often I find myself just being content to let the days slip by without trying to achieve something worthwhile. Or rather, I find myself hoping the days will pass by quicker so I can escape whatever unpleasant activities I have lined up for me on that particular days. There's so much time lost in the process, so much time lost doing nothing that was significant. I have become spiritually lazy. Sitting down to spend some quiet time is almost a chore. I cannot, or rather I'm too lazy, to focus on God. I think I have allowed myself to fall into this habit. After letting time just fly past me, I'm too lazy to get a grip on myself and re-focus. And all the while, the masquerade must go on, while my foundations slip. Perhaps "lack of introspection" was the wrong phrase. I know myself all too well. I'm just too lazy, and afraid, to act on it. Or should I say, to let Him act on it?

Collective Punishment

2007-04-14T09:43:00.000+08:00

It's not often these days when I find something noteworthy to post about, but today I feel particularly determined to discuss one of the main reasons I dislike the military. The reason I've taken so long to write about this is because I've never really formed a cogent argument about it till recently, and after this week I am determined to present my clearest exposition on regimentation. This is partly to clear my brain of all its internal agitation, and partially to correct the notion some outsiders have about the army being simply about training. "How hard could it get?" is the question that irks me the most.

There are many things that make up the Army Experience. Combat training, physical training, lack of freedom, staying away from family for extended periods of time; these are some of the few. To me though, the defining characteristic, nay, its most abhorrent characteristic I should say, is regimentation. Regimentation means discipline, means having everyone look the same, think the same things, move the same way, and otherwise behave as one man. On paper, this does not sound that bad. After all, standardisation and discipline are crucial to the success of any army. Indeed they are, and for this reason it is a necessary evil. But while I recognise the necessity, not for a moment do I lose sight of the greatness of its evil. And its evil is this: regimentation means that men are inevitably punished for the mistakes of others.

Put it this way: If I make a mistake, I do not mind being punished. The punishment is justifiable. When I say I "do not mind", it does not mean I like punishment. I hate it. What I mean is that I feel the punishment is fair, since I myself made a mistake. However, when I am punished because some people in my company made a mistake, that is when I feel great indignation. I understand the logic behind such a policy. In order for, say, 50 men to work together as a team, everyone must be made to understand that their individual actions affect the group. One of the clearest ways of conveying such a message is by punishing the whole group each time someone messes up. That way, people will be forced to work together in order to minimise individual errors.

It is a harsh policy, an unpleasant policy, but unfortunately, it seems to be the only policy that works. At the very least, it has been tried, tested and proven down through the ages. And yet, I cannot accept it. If the policy had a 100% success rate, it wouldn't be so bad, but the problem is that no matter how much punishment you mete out, there will always be the incorrigible few, and under such a policy, a few is enough to cause misery for the many. The continuous usage of collective punishment is frankly very stressful to me, and very unfair.

I cannot adequately explain to you the feeling of trying to complete your own work as best as you can, while at the same time worrying about others, because doing your best is not enough. If others screw up, you will pay for their mistakes. For 18 years, I was brought up to be accountable for my own actions. In school you were paid or punished for what you did. Other people's business remained strictly other people's business. That was the environment I grew up in.

When I entered the army I suddenly entered a world where what you did was not enough to ensure you a good life. That would depend on whether others cooperated with you. And it has proven to be a most stressful experience. It is not the training per se that bothers me. If training was all we went through I would still be upset at my situation, but less indignant about it. The problem is that I go through training and collective punishment. That increases the stress factor tremendously. It's the one thing that drags down my mood on book-in days, that brings about a black depression in my heart each time I think about camp. Yes, training, physical or combat, staying away from home, marching, all these things are tolerable, but it is the regimentation, the stifling of one's freedom and individuality, the constant fear of punishment no matter what you, THAT is what makes my life so miserable. Henceforth my friends, do not assume that my distress stems merely from training. It is the least of my worries.

That being said, I realised, as I thought about it, that collective punishment is part and parcel of life. In life the actions of others will affect you no matter what, and many a time we will have to suffer for the mistakes of others. Indeed the more I thought about it the more I realised that despite my intense dislike of the situation, it was the very same situation that drove Christ to the cross, where the faultless Lamb of God was slain for the sins of the whole world. He suffered the ultimate punishment for the mistakes of everyone else. And it is this thought that stops me in my tracks. In fact, it lightens my burden, and makes life in camp more bearable, knowing that I have a Captain who sympathises with me, who knows what I'm going through, having Himself been there and done that. It always amazes me in camp to discover the great variety of situations in which God's promise to Paul comes true, that His grace is indeed sufficient for me, because His strength is perfected in weakness. This is the answer a suffering world requires. Not an instant, miraculous deliverance, though that assuredly has been vouchsafed for the future, but rather the present, comforting assurance of a Brother in arms.

Smooth sailing, my foot

2007-04-01T18:04:00.000+08:00

Ok, time for another rare post. For all those who have yet to find out, I've been posted to the navy, and no, I am not going to become some vulgar, tatooed Singaporean version of Popeye or Jack Sparrow, although, as I told Owen, this adds new meaning to my title as captain of the 2005 debating team. In reality my job is far more mundane, or at least, I hope it is. For now I think it involves mainly pushing buttons, but I haven't been assigned a specific post yet since I haven't been trained. I will not say more about my posting here because, well, if walls have ears, then the Internet has too many eyes. With regards to my feelings about my current situation, all I will say is that I hope I will be able to tolerate one month of inanity because after that, my life, from what I gather, will literally be smooth sailing. Right now, frustrated tedium would be a better term to describe it.

Moving on, I went down to ACJC yesterday to watch my new juniors debate. Thankfully they show much more potential than their immediate predecessors, and are far humbler and willing to learn. Of course if you think about it, the person who admits he has still much to learn is often the wiser person. In any case, these are diamonds in the rough who just might be able to move past the quarter finals at this year's Nationals. It remains to be seen however, what the impact the entry of polytechnic teams into the championships will have on the dynamics of the debating circle. I foresee some interesting arguments.

Anyway, those few hours spent listening to debates made me realise how much I missed being on the floor. Hopefully I'll be free enough to adjudicate in the Nationals. After all, if I can't debate, I guess judging would be the next best thing, painful though it often is...

When a Saint goes marching in

2007-03-13T21:37:00.000+08:00

I did not, indeed could not see this day when first I set foot on that wretched island 13 weeks ago, and yet here I am, sitting back at home typing this, after having successfully completed my BMT Graduation Parade.

I am officially a private now. I have passed out of basic military training into almost two weeks of block leave. The sequel to this is something I will not think of now, since I'll only know of my new posting next Friday. Until then, we may rejoice.

Rejoice! Rejoice! And again I say rejoice!

Right, anyway, my immediate concern is my university application. I'm pretty set on NUS, since its the only uni in Singapore with a credible Arts Fac. Why not overseas you may wonder. Well, firstly, there is the question of money. Secondly, even if money wasn't an issue, I can't bear to leave home for long. Staying on a bloody island off Singapore's shores is bad enough, what more studying on an island off Europe's shores? At the heart of the matter, I'm just too lazy to do my own laundry. And, I'm sick of communal living.

So, back to NUS. I'm currently interested in majoring in philosophy, because I'm fascinated with the subject. The philosophy class at NUS is very small yearly, but that's fine with me since students will get greater attention from the professors. Personally I would like to sit in an ivory tower for the rest of my life musing on life's imponderables, but that's impossible, so I'll settle with a philosophy major. If possible I'd like to do a double major, with Lit as the second major. Alternatively it could be history or political science. I haven't made up my mind. I'll wait for the first year when I take the introductory modules. The problem with university education, especially in the Arts, is that I find so many things I'm interested in, and yet have so little time, and energy, to do them. Ah well, one cannot have one's cake and eat it.

Ok, I'm tired. Going off now.

Reader, with a word unbury him

2007-02-25T17:48:00.000+08:00

And thus do I resurrect my blog, which has not seen a post since the last day of the A Levels. Perhaps it is fitting that as the results loom ever closer I should deliver a new post.

I find that there is surprisingly little that can be said here about my recent history. I cannot condense my army experiences into a few words here. All attempts invariably result in a patchwork of fragmented incidents and anecdotes that, while providing glimpses into that world, fail to convey the full extent of my experience. In any case, it is not an experience I wish to relive here. What I can say is that I am passing out from Tekong soon, in fact that will be in two weeks time, following which I will have two weeks of leave. At present however I am only concerned with the coming week.

The reasons for this are few and simple: This week promises to be one of the most strenuous weeks I've had in a long time. Starting from tomorrow I will have a 16km route march, and then a whole week of repetitive and tiring exercises. But the real terror lies at the end of the week, when the results are released. It is a thought that robs me of joy in many moments, because I simply cannot predict what my scores will be. When I think back on those stressful days not too long ago (and yet to me I can now barely recall them), they fill me with uncertainty. I do not know whether I wrote those essays correctly, whether they were good enough, and deep down inside of me there is a real fear that they did not meet the mark. But fear has a strange way of making me feel as though I am the only one who feels this way, that I am alone in my fear, although I know this to be untrue. In all probability the people around me fret as much as I do. They just don't show it. And yet how well I know that misery loves company. It is the reason why I get irritated when I am surrounded by happy faces in the midst of my gloom. Thankfully I've found a few friends in camp who share similar feelings. In my worst moments, the bitterness I feel usually stems from the fact that there are too many people with whom I do not connect, not that I want to, because their company is not exactly pleasurable. It therefore helps a lot to meet a familiar face here and there who understands, or whom I think understands. In any case, in most instances, the silences are enough for me. Indeed they are what I want, and do not want.

My one hope to which I cling as I face Friday is and has to be God, Whom I have found to be dearer and more faithful to my unfaithfulness than I've ever felt before as I plow through army life. It is true, after all, that in the wilderness experiences we often encounter our appalling inadequacy and then run to the source of all fullness. What a joy and comfort it is that His love is so humble it accepts even these pitiful excuses we give when we turn back. After all, how noble can we seem if we only run to Him when our ships are sinking? And yet even so, His grace is sufficient for me.

Omega, and Alpha

2006-11-29T23:16:00.000+08:00

There's nothing like a walk down Orchard late in the year to stir up my Christmas spirit. But before I go any further, allow me to make the mandatory announcement everyone's been making on their blogs, and one which I now declare with unabashed delight:

IT IS OVER. IT IS ACCOMPLISHED. IT IS FINISHED.

Apart from the unexpected easiness of the paper (it was remarkably straightforward, compared to what the other papers have been. One of the comparative poems for the PC section was even one of the comparative poems that came out for our prelims!), the sheer joy of having the weight of the A Levels being lifted off my shoulders is cause enough to make me smile all day. And indeed I have been doing that mostly today. First there were charming Brazillian chefs fawning over us with assorted skewers of meat (I personally loved the lamb. It wasn't that smelly. Too bad I discovered it late into the meal), then a cruise around Vivocity, then mindless entertainment by none other than Jack Black himself (I loved Ben Stiller's cameo), topped off with another meal. By the end of the day I was so bloated I felt positively nauseous at the sight of food. All that meat at lunch went a long way towards keeping me fairly fed for the rest of the day. Oh! and I even discovered my favourite type of coffee! The Columbian Supremo, from TCC. It is, as the menu eloquently puts it, the strongest of the mild coffees.

Yes, yes, yes, so Joel was a busy boy today, indulging in a whirlwind tour of entertainment not seen since, the end of the prelims? I doubt if I even came close then. And tomorrow, we shop!

I actually had a forecast of what prom would look like this evening. I was walking down Orchard past the Meritus Mandarin around 7, and as we looked in we realised another school's prom was about to begin. Lots of teenagers milling about fashionably dressed. I liked the look of it. I think this year's setting is much better than what it could have been, the Grand Copthorne. The Christmas decorations of Orchard certainly up the glitz factor, as well as making me feel all Christmassy and nostalgic. I always feel nostalgic when I look at Christmas decor. There's this sense of warmth, and longing within me for the past, and the nagging sadness that what was can never be again, at least, not for this year. Ha, well do I remember my incessant search for a Braun Buffel wallet last year. This year, such things matter so much less. Indeed, I don't even have a gift list for Christmas. My greatest wish is to snuggle up at home, next to the tree, eating roast beef and turkey and admiring the beauty of my boned in ham all sliced up on the table (it really looked like it was straight out of a catalogue when we set it up last year. Should have taken a picture). Oh well, one cannot always get what one desires.

To tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow! May all our days be as carefree as this season!

Hatred

2006-11-26T18:03:00.000+08:00

Words cannot fully express how much I hate the army right now. I cannot even bring myself to write down here all that is running through my mind because I can only do so with such bitterness, such anger, that it can only come out with the foulest vulgarities.

My friends, I beg of you, from now till the 15th of December, please, say absolutely NOTHING at all about the army in my presence. Not a word about the SAF, not a word about NS, not a word about enlistment dates. Nothing. No institution in the world right now can foul my mood faster than it can. Please, as a friend, I am asking all of you now to never ever mention anything about it again. We can talk about absolutely any other thing under the sun, but not this, not this, please. Don't even try to console me, or I shall suspect that you do not understand. Indeed I suspect only very few people have any authority at all right now to speak to me on this matter, and the only one I know is leaving very soon, and I shall miss you dearly, old friend, when you are gone. I hope with all my heart you enjoy your stay on Langkawi.

Sometimes it is better to remain silent on a topic you don't understand than to offer words of pity that can only engender more hatred.

2006-11-25T12:02:00.000+08:00

Well! I have a new template. It's um, very boring, yes, but I can't be bothered to find anything else. I'll just stick to what Blogger has. I changed because I;ve just switched to this new Beta Blogger thingy. Now it has improved layouts and management desktops, yada yada. I've been meaning to do it for a while now, never had the time. Well, this weekend just presented an opportunity, so here it is!

The End (almost)

2006-11-24T17:40:00.000+08:00

I must say that I didn't feel particularly exhilarated after today's paper, partly because there were so many things to do immediately after it, like sign Mr Smith's card and rush off for lunch, and partly because, as always, the thought of the S Paper still to come was foremost in my mind. You'd expect that with every passing hour as the end draws nearer I'd get more excited, but the truth is actually counter-intuitive. I find that when the A Levels started, last Monday for instance, I was more hyped up as each paper passed, because I had the feeling that the end was drawing closer, that I was completing more papers each day, that I was actually doing productive work. Then, this week, today especially for instance, just when the A's are ending, I feel more and more impatient and lethargic actually, instead of happy, because to me it seems that despite all that's been done the end is still not here. This feeling happens all the time to me actually, on journeys especially. Like when I'm coming home from school sometimes, I feel ok at the start of the journey, but as I draw closer to home I get impatient cos each step is taking so long to bring me home. Actually come to think of it, I think it's a normal feeling. Beginnings are always fresh, but ends are often stale.

Anyway, I had lunch with Mr Smith today! He kept up a running commentary during lunch as you may imagine. Most of it was about dogs. He keeps a dog, a large crossbreed between Alsatian and something else which he's not sure of. He got it from the SPCA in 2000 anyway. Oh yeah, he's going to Cairns, and his dog has to leave one month in advance cos Australia has a one month quarantine rule for all animals entering the country. To prevent rabies epidemics and all...

But the most interesting thing was this. Owen asked him what Irish sounds like. Now a lot of us think the Irish speak English, or at least a variant of it, but in reality Irish is not English at all. It's Gaellic, with it's own alphabet and writing style. In pronunciation I suppose it sounds close to Tolkien's Elvish. Anyway, his name in Irish is actually Shawn MacGowan! That's not the proper spelling, I can't remember how he spelt it. I'm just typing it out the way it sounds. The "Mac" is pronounced as "muck", not "mack" like Macdonalds. "Mack" is the English pronunciation of it. In Irish it's "muck". And, "Mac" means "son of", like "Bin" in Malay. So he's basically Shawn son of Gowan. Ah, so now we know that Ewan MacGregor is the son of Gregor. (Ok, irrelevant digression)

Ah, dear old Mr Smith. I shall miss him when he leaves.

2006-11-22T11:37:00.000+08:00

It started last Friday. First my grandmother came down with stomach flu, vomitting and all. Then late Saturday my maid had stomachaches till Sunday morning. During that night my mother got stomach flu too. And on Sunday morning my brother woke up not feeling well. It later developed into diarrhoea and vomitting.

Just as it seemed to subside (my brother's problem cleared up quickly on Monday and my maid was fine by Monday too. My mom was feeling better by yesterday night), my father caught it. He blames it on the char kway teow he ate yesterday for lunch. So now he's stuck at home with stomach flu too.

I have no idea why, but one by one all the members of my family are coming down with stomach flu-related problems. The symptoms seem to be primarily occupied with what comes out of either end of the body. Now, I am the last man standing, ha!

Turning Point

2006-11-18T10:27:00.000+08:00

On this most auspicious of occasions (it is the weekend), I would like to take the opportunity to congratulate all of us taking this combi for making it thus far. I believe congrats are in order, not because the A's are over already, but for the sheer fact that we've made it through the most stressful week of our lives thus far, intact. Take time to consider this most wondrous fact, that as of today, each of you has completed 14 hours of A Level papers, 11 of which were done consecutively in one week, and all of which you never have to do again. Whether we have done well for each of those papers is another matter, and frankly, it is one that we cannot do anything about now and thus should not trouble our already troubled minds too much about. Rather, let us rejoice in the meer fact that we've actually sat for the papers, and completed them.

As for the rest, they should be relatively ok, even though I know I'm making an outrageous prediction here because after this week I think everyone knows the guys in Cambridge must have gone slightly off their rockers when setting our papers, but hey, I choose to be optimistic. Time will prove me wrong. Nevertheless, I marvel at the fact that it is actually Saturday, because I vividly remember last Saturday, when I was going around with thoughts of Monday plaguing me, thinking about how miserable the week was going to be. But tada! the week is over! We have only 2 more papers, 6 hours more. For us poor Lit S paper people we have 9 hours more, yes, and we have the unfortunate honour of being the last in Singapore to finish the A Levels, but still, The End is near!!! The bloody end is near!!! It's just nine freaking hours away!!!! Nine rather drawn out hours yes, but the end is still near!!! Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!!!

That brings me to my next point, which is yesterday's PC paper. I tell you, ever since Mrs Tan messaged me to ask what questions I did I've being going around muttering "sonnets" under my breath. The two bloody comparative poems were sonnets. Of course, it's not absolutely crucial to note that, but it would have been a bonus. I smack my head for not noticing that fact, because now the irony of the poems is further reinforced in hindsight by the usage of the sonnet form. Bloody sonnets. I can't seem to get that word out of my head. Sonnets. Of all the silly poems in the world, sonnets.

Ok ok, I'm going to stop thinking about it. I shall take my own advice and wash my hands clean of them. But I did truly like those poems. I love the word Ozymandias. So rich, so ancient, so exotic. "Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!" It echoes perfectly all those magnificent, dramatic and ancient statements that I'm so fond of. Hmm, I suppose that reveals something of my character haha. Power complex maybe.

On a sidenote, thank you to everyone who's commented positively on my last post, although I'm not quite sure why it's so critically acclaimed. I mean, I guess it's funny yes, but they're my genuine feelings. Ok, I'll concede that the crumbling walls thing was deliberately enhanced. I had merely a vague sense of bathos in the hall that day haha.

2006-11-07T14:01:00.000+08:00

An update.

Fear of something makes it larger than it really is. A simple, common truth that I forget again and again. It's actually mildly amusing when it happens. For example, last Thursday when we sat for GP, I went in and sat there thinking like, oh gosh, ok this is it, it's the A Levels!!! Every word I write is going to determine my future!! I must be extra careful!!!

And for around 5 minutes I could not actually calmly go through the list of questions, what with all that agitation inside me. And yet, after the paper, I realised that, hey, it was just another paper. It felt, afterwards, just like any other paper I've ever sat for in JC. Perhaps, one could almost call it anticlimatic. The atmosphere was just like after the prelims, or after BT2, or after BT1. It was like, oh well, here we are again in the hall, same old, same old, ladeedah, write the essay, pass it up, feels like any other class essay. You walk out of the hall and realise yes, it's still the same campus, stairs on your left, benches to your right, toilets ahead.

Somehow, I was subconsciously expecting more, like I thought the atmosphere would be more rarified, somehow exalted, the very air you breathe smelling more academic than usual. The Chief Presiding Examiner (for such a grand title I wished he looked more presidential) would announce dramatically, "Lo! It is the A Levels! At the opportune moment when the clock striketh Twelve, thou mayst begin thy furious writing! Godspeed and avaunt!" And then suddenly a clock will chime solemnly and the whole hall will look like some magnificent ancient Hall in Oxford or Cambridge with crumbling stone and ivy growing round the pillars, while beneath the vaulted roof march row upon row of wooden desks and seats, as far as the eye can see. And then one and a half hours later the clock will chime solemnly and the CPE will once again proclaim, "Behold! The hour is past and thy doom draweth nigh! Hold up thy pens and cease thy writing. Invigilators! (and here there would be a dreadful pause... before a sinister whisper) Collect their scripts..."

Oh well, compared to all that, I guess Potong Pasir just doesn't cut a very dashing figure. And it is for the best that the real thing isn't half as dramatic as my imagination. Familiarity still allows for the most ease in writing haha.

Travel far

2006-10-31T14:26:00.000+08:00

I was just reading Neil Humphrey's book on Singapore, and it made me feel incredibly sad. I was reading a chapter where he talks about his experience of going on a trip to America with a Singaporean tour group. The chapter was mainly about him griping about the usual ugly displays of kiasuism, but what struck me more was the fact that the itinerary he described seemed quite similar to the one I had when I visited the Land of the Free four years ago. And for that reason, it made me incredibly sad.

Call it nostalgia, but for me it was also a realization of the future. I suddenly remembered what it was like to stand on the hillside overlooking Toledo, Spain, a lovely medieval town. I suddenly remembered watching the waves of the Pacific crash onto the American coast. I suddenly remembered my family together on tour. And I also suddenly realised that such an experience might quite possibly never happen again.

You see, the last time I went on tour with my family was two years ago, after the O Levels. It was always my dream to go flying again after the A's, before I entered the army. That dream is now gone. And by the time I leave the army, I don't know if the circumstances will allow another trip. It is quite possible that my tour to Spain was my last family tour. And that struck me to the heart.

I walked out of my bedroom and I was suddenly struck by the sight of all those photos. My family displays photoframes of the places we've been in the living room. So everywhere I turned I saw pictures of us smiling, in San Francisco, Paris, Korea, Lisbon, Australia and so on. It sounds melodramatic but I really felt sad at that point. The only possible planes I'll be on in the next two years will be ugly green transports ferrying me to my next destination where I shall further my training in shooting, trekking in jungles, and generally trying to defend this island. Even when I do tour again it probably won't be the same again without my family. God, I hate the army for what they've done.

To the guys who only enlist in January or April, to the girls who don't have to enlist at all, please, buy a plane ticket, and go somewhere with your loved ones before it's too late. If all travel does is to broaden our horizons, it will have been enough. There is more to this world than this concrete jungle ensconced by water.

As for me, there remains a box of chocolates.

2006-10-19T11:14:00.000+08:00

Yesterday part of the cell went to Woodlands to celebrate Tedric's birthday. Yes, Woodlands, of all places. At first I was shocked, cos the message read that he had a night out so I assumed that he had the whole night out in which case why go to Woodlands if his camp is nearby? It turned out that army guys get Wednesday night off each week, but they have to return to camp by the end of the night.

However instead of the birthday boy being the center of attention, it was Shannon. Shannon is this most adorable four month old baby with absolutely marvellous large round eyes. I'm a sucker for large round eyes in babies. She has cute little bulldog cheeks (it doesn't sound nice here, but you have to imagine her cheeks bulging out, a bit like a bulldog's), and she hardly ever cries. It is technically possible to just sit and watch her for hours without growing bored. She has the entire cell enraptured everywhere she goes, and it's impossible to describe her cuteness wihout using superlatives all day long. She's just soooo cuuuttteee!!

However, Shannon is also a sign of our age. By the time she's 18, I'll be 36. When she's 21, I'll be 39. When your cell leader becomes a father, you know you're growing old. I really can't imagine the cell walking around, middle aged, while Shannon and co. run past, echoes of our long lost youth. It will be, "Hi, Uncle Joel! Hi, Uncle Landy! Hi Aunty Anna, etc..", while I, in polo tee and shorts (the classic uncle look as Quek calls it) watch on benevolently. Benevolence. The very word implies age.

Ah well, there is a certain dignity in a paunch and shiny top. I can very well imagine myself sipping kopi in the verandah of the club house after a game of golf somewhere in Malaysia.

In other news, I have somewhat to say about the haze. I can't stand this irritating white smog everywhere I go. Even now as I write I'm breathing in ash. Every morning upon awakening I see my surrounding neighbourhood blanketed in white clouds. As you may know, I live on the 19th floor, so I command a view of the entire south of the island. On a normal day I can see the whole city, plus Orchard Road (I can even see Tangs and Ngee Ann City). Now, all I see day after day is a blank wall in every direction. It wouldn't even be so bad if it didn't smell so much like smoke. The only redeeming quality about the haze I can think of is the European fog-like ambience it gives Singapore, albeit a choking, smelly fog-like quality...

2006-10-14T11:25:00.000+08:00

In the light of the North Korean nuclear crisis and the worsening international relations with the Dear Leader, I have seen fit to create a new email account for business only. If you look at my current email address you will understand why I have undertaken this move. I don't think universities or scholarship committees would be very impressed with the sentiments my address seems to imply I have. I will still be using the current account though, since all my messanger contacts are there. If anyone wants my new account just msg me and I'll send it over. But no spamming please...

These are the last days

2006-10-11T18:13:00.000+08:00

These are the last days of the sun at dawn,
The morning draws to a close.
Weep farewell to the mists of youth
That softened the glare of life.
What though the mid-day be glorious
And the sun's light strongest?
Strong light burns harshest.
And have not men turned fey
In a quest for second birth?
Yet, to Cuivienen there is no returning,
And the sun, being risen, must fade into evening.
Let us therefore make our farewells sweet,
And gird up our loins as we speak,
For these are indeed the last days of the sun at dawn.

When I got home today I was seized by a strong realization that tomorrow, my twelve years of education in St. Andrew's formally draws to a close. Of course, I've known this fact all along. But knowing something and knowing it are two different things. That realization brought a tinge of sadness along with it. It's like an entire chapter of my life is now closing. No more classes, no more morning assemblies, no more morning devotions, no school song, no national anthem, none of the regularity of the school year, no more teachers. My childhood ends tomorrow. From then on we are on our own, borne along only by the support of friends and family. But in the rest of our lives, especially the educational sphere, we will be for the first time truly on our own. There will be no teachers in the conventional sense to guide, just distant professors. The spoon feeding comes to an end. And in the looming background, now drawing all too close with every passing day, is that terrible debt of service to the nation, my pound of flesh.

I think a lot of people feel it differently from me. In class I think only Hanis would understand what I mean when I say a chapter in my life is closing. For others I think it is also the end of a part of their lives, but they might have already gone through institutional changes in the past, so tomorrow, the end for them means the end of formal pre-university education. For me it's that plus more, the end of the St. Andrew's era in my life. The end of that unique brand of education through all my formative years, warts and all. It will not be long before I stop wearing the blue and the white forever. I think I'll go and preserve my uniforms.

2006-10-04T10:59:00.000+08:00

Yesterday in school while I was buying food Mr Lian walked up to me and patted me on the baxk, asking how I was, how I did for the prelims. I was quite surprised actually, since I only know him because of College Day. It's nice having a fellow kinsman in school, hahaha.

Later that day I went out for dinner with John, Kevin and Vincent, the Presidents' Association of Elohim (PAE), hahah. I love seeing these guys around in school. They never fail to brighten my day. I think I'm very blessed in a way to have my cell members in school. It's a pity I'm only fully appreciating this fact at the end of my tenure in JC. People like them really remind me of God's love; that warm, understanding environment where Christ is the head of the family. I wish at times I could just spend the rest of my days in church, but then again church is where we are empowered to go out into the world, and we can't all be hermits.

Introspection and humility

2006-09-29T19:42:00.000+08:00

Introspection is a thing sorely lacking in our world. There are too many people busy peering into other people's lives, giving their own opinions and comments about them, without once considering their own lives. I have no doubt that this world would be a better place if everyone thought before they spoke, and by think here I mean not merely to check if what you want to say is sensible, but also if it is necessary, and helpful to the situation. The greatest problem with advancing such a stance, however, is that in order to promote introspection, a judgement first has to be made on the current practices of others, which is in itself a contradiction of the principle of introspection,that is, to judge not. You see, one can never tell people, "do not judge", or "think before you speak", or "consider the feelings of others if you were in their shoes", without arousing the self-defensive instincts of others. The reaction is almost invariably to hit back. "How dare you judge me yourself! Practice what you preach," or "It's very well for you to say so, but I don't see you doing what you just said". These are possible responses. And since the person who raises the objection to judging in the first place usually cannot respond credibly to such accusations, the cycle of accusation and recrimination goes on (sounds like Long Day's, I know, but it's the only way I could think of to express my point haha). Introspection can never be effectively preached; it must first be practiced.

It is a sad state of affairs, because it is a point desperately in need of acceptance, and yet one that few can propagate effectively. To be introspective, or to be circumspect, is a message superficially well-received from pulpits. I say superficially, because when preached from pulpits everyone of course agrees with it. After all, they think, X really ought to mind his business, or, how I wish Y could hear this message, what a slap to the face that would be. And therein lies the irony. That while listening to a message of introspection people would be busily thinking about all the people who should practice more introspection, without considering how the message applies to themselves. What is even more distressing is that apart from the pulpit the only really effective way to bring home such a point would be to raise it in those particular situations where introspection and consideration of others' feelings most need to be practiced, since those moments are the ones where people can really be made to see how introspection actually applies to their own, internal lives. And yet, those moments are also the ones where people get most defensive, since the credibility of whoever is raising the point can never be entirely secure, unless of course it was a pastor, in which case the defensiveness might be transformed into private mutterings of "It's easy for him to say..."

And so the problem perpetuates itself. If anything I think this is something that's been brought to my mind repeatedly recently, so maybe God's trying to tell me something. You know what's the biggest obstacle to introspection? Pride. Admitting that you have a plank in your own eye. The fear of others saying, Ha, he's finally learnt his lesson. Sometimes, isn't it easier to continue in a sin simply to avoid the admittance of guilt? Because to change one's ways would be to admit one was wrong in the first place.

Introspection must go hand in hand with humility.

2006-09-28T15:41:00.000+08:00

I came home, and felt completely exhausted after a bath. It's been happening more often these days. It's as if the experience of going through a school day is just so physically draining now. Maybe it's just the tension of waiting to get back all the results. Do you realise today is only Thursday? One week ago we were still revelling in our post prelim freedom. In fact, it's only been less than two weeks since the end of the prelims. And yet, it seems so long ago when I wrote the last sentence of the last essay of the last paper. Paradoxically, the five weeks left before the first A Level paper seem too short for me. Hai, I just want to get back all my results quickly so I can stop mental marking and anticipating and actually focus on pure mugging.

Today we got back our Lit pc paper. I shall not talk much about that here. What's done is done, really, and I shall just pray that in the A's I'll interpret the passages correctly.

What was more interesting was our GP lesson. An essay question on God and Science turned into a really philosophical discussion, the kind I like. Morality is such a fascinating field of study. Someone once said that it takes more faith to be an atheist than to believe in God. I really think that's true. Science is actually a poor place to begin if you want to disprove the existence of God. So many physicists have turned believers in recent years because their study of the universe throws up more and more evidence of the unmistakable print of Intelligent Design. The chances of life randomly forming out of inanimate matter, back at the beginning of the universe, were as low as if a tornado were to blow into a warehouse and accidentally form a working Boeing 747 plane, as a researcher once put it. Ignoring all other evidence, I think even this point alone must give atheists pause. They say we believe blindly, ignoring all the evidence against God. On the contrary, I say we have made a thorough study of the universe, and having found it incredible that such a world as this could exist by chance, have reached the logical conclusion that at least a creative higher power exists. Which is more unbelievable? That the Red Sea could part due to divinely directed wind, or that by random chance the human brain, in all its marvellous complexity so much so that if even one small part were out of place it would cease to function, could evolve from inanimate matter? It's like believing the pieces of a watch could assemble themselves to form a fully working device by the chance of a hundred million years. Nay, for all of creation redounds to the glory of God, so that men are left without excuse.

Deep thinking on a Thursday afternoon, and we're only scratching the surface. I'm going to bed...

2006-09-24T16:58:00.000+08:00

Reading through various blogs I began to hope that as we age, or should I say mature, our angst will decrease. I won't say a majority, but a great many of the blogs I've seen are filled with posts that reek of teenage angst. I sometimes wonder why so many people around this age seem to go through such miserable, dysfunctional private lives. Perhaps that's over-stating the problem a bit. Everyone has their own internal problems after all, and God knows I flare up in angst from time to time. And angst itself (such a..."teenage" word), is not strictly confined to adolescence. It is used to describe a strong feelings of unhappiness and anxiety about a situation in life. I think the reason why it's been applied to teenagers so often is because this is the age group that handles problems worst. We are not more prone to troubles than others. We just handle them badly, and out of the mire of our messes there arises a need for catharsis or expression, amply found in blogging. And because if this, we see plenty of blog posts filled with rants and angst, spewing forth frustration at the world/school/whatever's-bothering-you-now. This therefore exaggerates the actual amount of angst in the lives of teenagers, making them all easily stereotyped as emo/angsty/conflicted types.

Then there's another, simpler explanation of course, that we all really lead such miserable lives, and that the angst in blogs is not exaggerated at all, but rather an honest expression of misery and frustration. Indeed, who can say how miserable one should feel before becoming angsty? One person's molehill is another's mountain.

If you ask me though, I subscribe more to the first explanation, but like every good arts student I realise there are many factors in this issue, therefore no one explanation is sufficient haha. And I would add that teenage angst is often exaggerated because of language. I am quite sure that people of all ages and of all time periods in history suffer from angst, but one reason why this particular generation seems so angsty is because of its language. Vulgarities and curses adorn the pages of many a blog, because in this day and age, the f-word is apparently the best way of expressing one's frustration. And since the f-word was orginally created as an extremely vulgar word, its assimilation into the everyday language of youths, indeed of society in general, must appear as a reflection of the moral degradation of our time, that we have allowed our standards to slip. And what is more, the development of blogging has allowed people to post such language online for the world to see, where once it was confined only to conversations. This therefore amplifies the sense of angst among the youth of today. No doubt the people of the past had their own unique curses, but I do believe rectititude, self-control, and social grace was higher then, thereby limiting the coarseness of everyday language.

In conclusion therefore, I have no idea why I posted that whole load of pseudo-pyschoanalysis and why the whole thing began to sound like a gp essay. It's the first time in a long time I've posted on a random issue out of the blue, I think. Haha, ah well, I think I'm too bored...

2006-09-23T11:29:00.000+08:00

After such a long and tiring day in school yesterday, I went to Glutton's Bay with the cell for dinner. Had a really fun time with them, taking all sorts of ridiculous pictures and such. Photo whoring has never been my thing. I really can't stand taking picture after picture. I don't know why some people like doing so. I mean, yeah, a picture or two is nice, for posterity's sake and remembrance. But really, sometimes people just take pic after pic like they're never going to see each other again, and for goodness' sake, we're in Singapore lah. Pictures by the merlion, gosh... But I'll have to concede that it was all in good fun haha, and I was in high spirits anyway.

Which, I might add, I was not in for a considerable portion of the day. I'm rather upset over my econs essay grades, because they're all so mediocre when I could really have scored at them. But my mcq marks made up for them, and if all goes well with case study and drq I should be able to secure a B, which I'll be happy with. In the meantime, the overall effect of the results has been to motivate me once more to start revising again. I shall start planning my study timetable, although I should probably add here that I've never been good at setting, much less following study timetables. Still, they provide a certain amount of inspiration, like setting goals.

2006-09-20T14:40:00.000+08:00

Sushi. I had sushi with Quek yesterday at a restaurant that shall not be named for diplomatic purposes. Anyway we got ourselves all bloated up, and also received a lasting stench of fish for the rest of the day. I tell you, that place absolutely reeks of fish. If not for the fact that you can eat as much as you want I think I would seriously consider not patronising it for both lack of comfort (the smell) and questionable freshness of food (the smell again).

After that we watched The Banquet. Now, it is supposed to be a Chinese adaptation of Hamlet, and while the plot is roughly the same (I say roughly), it simply lacks the flow, or same emotional power as the original. After so many martial arts films coming out of China I think everyone in the West thinks Chinese people must have been brilliant in ancient times at sword fighting and such, and that we all fly here and there when we fight. Transposing that style of martial arts onto Hamlet produces rather ridiculous results. For example, the "Laertes" figure rescues the "Hamlet" figure from assassination by popping out of the ground with his men, and simultaneously killing all the would-be assassins via cross-bows fired in mid air. In another scene, two soldiers fly out of water onto a bridge to halt an oncoming charge of the enemy. Those moments produced more laughs than melodrama.

Then there's the role of the characters. Of course, since Zhang Ziyi's the big star in the movie she gets the most limelight, effectively reducing the screen time of the "Hamlet" figure. This means that the one doing most of the angsty thinking is no longer Hamlet, but rather Ziyi, who plays the Empress, or the "Gertrude" figure. Gertrude is transformed from the mother of Hamlet, into his childhood sweetheart, a change I cannot understand. And, she becomes a scheming venomous female dictator reflctive of the real life Empress Dowager Cixi. Because the focus is no longer Hamlet but rather the whole tangled mass of schemes, the plot loses its intellectual and emotional driving force, since we feel no sympathy for Zhang when she dies or Hamlet when he dies. In short, the movie doesn't work.

What it did for me however, was to spur me to read Hamlet again, which I'm doing for s paper anyway and which I've never thoroughly covered. So i guess at least one good thing came out of it haha.

So, that was yesterday. Today I woke up feeling terribly sleepy since by body clock hasn't readjusted tself, and that feeling carried through for the rest of the day. Got back GP and SEA history papers today. I truly truly thank God for my grades thus far because they're better than I expected. I can say my efforts at SEA history after the debacle of BT2 really paid off. Now, we wait for the rest of the papers...

2006-09-18T20:14:00.000+08:00

Updates, updates, updates. I watched Singapore Dreaming today with Beni and Dai Wei. Very good show, easily beats Jack Neo's increasingly commercialised and melodramatic social commentaries. In a sense, it felt like a Singaporean Long Day's Journey Into Night. You aren't moved to tears; you're moved to pity, and to try to understand the conflicting threads in that very Singaporean family. I liked the scene of one of those paper houses at Chinese funerals going up in flames. A very visual reminder of how every material thing in life ultimately ends in death.

Oh yes, I got the V for Vendetta DVD on Saturday! Now I shall be able to re-watch the V speech again, haha.

Nothing much left to say, except perhaps my growing anxiety about the exam results. Hai, truth be told I don't know what to expect from Lit. I certainly hope I won't face the same fiasco at BT2, but then again one never knows. Failure is out of the question, but you also never know if you can score. I know, I know, I shouldn't worry, but I simply can't help it. I've always been a worry wart. I have to learn to leave it all in God's hands.

Post-Prelims

2006-09-16T10:13:00.000+08:00

Finally, it's over, for now. How can I adequately describe the feeling of writing the last sentence of the last paragraph of the last essay, knowing that in less than a minute the announcement to stop writing will come? I think it can be described as sheer relief. Like a load off your back.

At last the prelims are over. I guess it's fitting that the last paper should be the hardest. Go out guns ablazing eh? But in any case, I truly thank God for seeing me through this stressful and tiring period. The grades, come as they may, are now entirely in His hands. Whatever doubts I have about the papers are, well, unimportant right now. Not like they can do anything. Now, for the next week or so I shall rest and relax. Ahh... It's nice to spend a weekend knowing you have nothing to do after it.

So after the paper yesterday I went off to church for the concert thanksgiving dinner. Not without a final crisis unfolding first of course, which thankfully had a happy ending. After that I went back to chat and eat with the cell. It's always nice to be back in the company of people with a common love. I liked the videos the media team created for each of the dances. Too bad there was nothing about the poets, but then again, filming someone speaking isn't exactly prime-time material. Then we went off to Macs for some supper and more senseless banter, and finally back home. For once, a peaceful sleep undisturbed by thoughts of the morrow. Ignorance, thy name is bliss.

I feel the urge to debate. Maybe now is the time to consider more unpleasant matters eh, owen? Hmm, but that would be ironic in the light of my last paragraph, haha.

Prelims Part 2, Day 4

2006-09-14T20:28:00.000+08:00

Mrs Elizabeth Choy, former teacher in St. Andrew's School, has died. With her passing, the nation, and school, loses another of its war heroes. For it was through her experiences, and her story, that succeeding generations of Singaporeans gained a first hand account of the horrors of occupation and of the Kempeitai, and it was through her that we gain that enduring image of the simple wartime meal of porridge and tapioca. For my part I'll always remember the story of her scrubbing the prison toilet with a stone till it became smooth, and her appearances at Founder's Day each year.

On another note, today I completed the penultimate paper of the prelims. My mood gets better as Friday draws nearer. Tomorrow we shall go at it one last time for this season, another swing at the Cold War. I'm going to give it my best shot, if I can. Pre-exam visualisations are always good, although they must be tempered with qualifications. Here's praying for the best!

Prelims, Part 2, Day 1

2006-09-11T12:09:00.000+08:00

Our games being done, we plunge back into the whirlpool to witness the tragic loading of a Moorish bed, and such like. I trust that my bewilderment was not as bad as the weaver's and that I was actually writing sense. It felt like the day on which we did GP, where I got to school feeling all bleary-eyed from a lack of sleep. Well, it will pass, although right now, I'd rather have an amorous liaison in a garden than study. But sacrifices have to be made.

So, we are back into the fray. Two thirds of lit is done, and the rest of the week looks set to be one of non-stop rushing and mugging. I'm looking forward to the dinner on Friday, where I can unwind again. There are benefits to starting the prelims earlier. You don't spend so much time in anxiety before it, and you finish earlier. Ah well, here's to the end then.

2006-09-07T11:33:00.000+08:00

We had a buddy group outing yesterday! To Turf City, of all places. To eat steamboat, like the ones at Marina South. The place was so ulu, like some lost part of Singapore still stuck in the 1980s.

I've never particularly liked steamboat, the fried kind. I prefer traditional steamboats where you actually steam the food, not fry it ala Seoul Garden style. Everytime I eat that kind of steamboat I feel the need to go home, bathe, and detoxify. It's like the oil gets everywhere. Oh well, but it makes for great fellowship time I suppose.

The problem with having the holidays in between the prelims is that, while it provides a breather and much needed revision time, it also creates the extremely strong illusion of a holiday. An illusion that I unfortunately allow myself to fall for time and time again. Oh well, I guess I need to continually kick myself in the behind to get back to work.

2006-08-31T19:44:00.000+08:00

It never rains but pours. An entire day of non-stop rain. It made me wonder how is it possible that we are not self-sufficient in water. If our water supply was cut off from the north, I wonder how long our supplies would last. If you stood by a reservoir would you actually be able to see the water level going down, draining away? I think that would be a rather alarming sight.

Anyway, I went out despite the rain. Had lunch with Quek, walked around, chit chatted. It was nice to be able to relax after three days of relentless writing. But as always, to break for too long is to invite the inertia of slacking to set in, something that must not happen now.

I've been having nagging doubts about all my papers so far. It's the little things that creep in. Maybe I wrote out of point? I didn't cover enough ground? Did I approach the question correctly? So, I've been trying to block all these irritating thoughts out. What's done is done, so be it. Right now I'll just focus on doing my best for whatever's left. And whatever's left is a lot...

Prelims, Day 3

2006-08-30T13:02:00.000+08:00

At last, the first half is over. Well, it feels like the first half but in actual fact it's not, cos the heavier papers are after the holidays, which, once again, should not be called "holidays". Anyway, Econs was ok I think, but I've been wrong before, so I'll wait and see.

Discussing papers after the exams feels to me like the student's version of war stories. You know, the image of a bunch of old soldiers gathering around a fire or something to discuss old times, or maybe campers huddling to hear ghost stories at night? Well, exam stories are pretty much the same. All traumatizing experiences more or less.

Oh yes, today I got my adjudication certificate, so now I am a certified debate adjudicator (DA). Hahaha. I hope I get invited to judge again. It's quite fun, IF you're judging the right teams that is...

I realised that despite my praises of the arts and literature so often, my blog has no poetry. So, to add a lyrical feel to my post I shall put a poem here. And I'll put one of the poems from the comparative poetry section, since it's in Olde English and therefore feels more poetic. (I'm a sucker for Olde English, that's why I did that section. It's also one of the reasons why I use the King James translation of the Bible haha)

To my inconstant mistress

When thou, poor excommunicate
From all the joys of love, shalt see
The full reward and glorious fate
Which my strong faith shall purchase me,
Then curse thine own inconstancy.

A fairer hand than thine shall cure
That heart, which thy false oaths did wound;
And to my soul a soul more pure
Than thine shall by Love's hand be bound,
And both with equal glory crown'd.

Then shalt thou weep, entreat, complain
To Love, as I did once to thee;
When all thy tears shall be as vain
As mine were then, for thou shalt be
Damned for thy false apostasy.

Ahh, beautiful isn't it? I wish I had more time to do a more complete and dense appreciation of it, but oh well, an exam's an exam, and we have to make do. Ok, I shall go laze off now haha. I'll probably resume studying tomorrow. All the best to everyone taking prelims! God bless!

The Prelims, Day 2

2006-08-29T12:17:00.000+08:00

After a tremendous effort, for truly it was tremendous, I got through SEA History today. Few science people will ever understand, I think, the rush of writing four essays (full fledged, not some 10 mark question) in three hours at one shot. Even GP allows for a toilet break in between. What an experience. So as of now, we have completed half of history, one third of literature, and all of GP.

Writing history essays is like a race against the clock. It's like some who-writes-fastest-wins kind of competition. Forget about checking your work. That's so secondary school. Here you want to finish your work. And of course, since this is the A levels, there is no need to check as you're expected to know your stuff, so everything that goes down the first time must be pitch perfect, so to speak. I thank God that I actually managed to finish today's paper in time. AND, write beyond three pages, at least for most of them. By the last essay I was flagging, and in any case I'd overshot on the sbq.

Now I shall have lunch, then relax for a while, before going off to revise econs. Tomorrow will be another day of writing. Three essays, two and a half hours. He who writes fastest wins! sigh...

2006-08-25T11:20:00.000+08:00

Mr Smith just sent me an email saying we were ranked fifth after this year's debating championships. When I say "we", I mean the juniors. For some reason, after this year I'm quite reluctant to associate myself too closely with the society's current members. I'm a bit of an elitist I guess.

Fifth. That's quite surprising to me actually, because it means the school is back at its usual status in the debating world. For years now we've constantly been ranked fifth. Only last year did we manage to break into the top four, after a five-year drought. I think all the ruckus surrounding the dismal state of the team made me think they were much worse off than they are. If I look at it relatively speaking, however, then it seems fine, cos the rankings reflect a recurrent trend.

Of course, we all know that just because the ratings stay the same doesn't mean the quality's been maintained. The ranking is in fact, nominal, you might say, while in terms of real ranking the quality has gone down tremendously. It's a nationwide trend I guess. It merely confirms what I've suspected all along, that Singapore is in for a hard time next year at the world championships. It's really puzzling. Maybe in years to come 2006 will be labelled "The Lost Generation" for national debating. Unless, of course, this year's batch is merely the tip of the iceberg, in which case we're all in for a really bumpy ride.

Pissed off

2006-08-23T08:38:00.000+08:00

I'm writing this as a warning to all and as a way of letting off steam.

This morning someone messaged me to ask how many people were in school today, and how I felt about this. Now, for the sake of public knowledge, I'm going to answer this here. Only two people from the class were here today, me and Jeremy. The reason I'm putting this here is because I don't want anyone asking me this tomorrow, because I'm going to get pissed off. I don't care that that person told me not to get agitated. The fact is, I AM agitated now, and it's preventing me from studying.

Let me make this clear: I'm FINE if people don't come to school. I don't want to come either. BUT, if you don't come, good, then just leave it at that. Don't come back the next day and ask me who was here and so on. It makes me very agitated, because to me, it smacks of gloating. I don't care who the hell you are, but if anyone asks me tomorrow about what happened today, I'm going to get very angry. If I want to talk about today to you, I'll initiate the conversation. I will not tolerate questions.

As a side note, Jeremy is open to questions. So go to him if you want to find out anything. I'm afraid I'm far more edgy than him, but that's the way I am. It's half a week to the prelims and I'm very high strung now, so I'm not going to tolerate nonsense.

And now that that's done, I can go study.

2006-08-22T21:26:00.000+08:00

I typed out a rather angry post just now but I decided not to post it. Some things are better left unsaid. All I needed was some place to release my frustration. I wish it were all gone. I wish the exams were here and gone. I wish, I wish I was sitting in some cafe having hot chocolate, chatting with an old friend, just chilling and hanging out, without a care in the world. For the sake of my sanity I think I'll do just that soon. Maybe I should have done it today.

It's nice to be invited to judge. I signed up for the DA today. I see it as a way of keeping in touch with the circle. And, it's a rather prestigious and relaxing/stressful pastime. Who knows, one day I might be president, haha.

Sometimes, now actually, I wish I didn't have to justify each and every one of my actions.

The Age of Rebellion

2006-08-17T21:03:00.000+08:00

I am tired, so drained by school. Today I felt so tired like never before, and after dinner just now this wave of exhaustion just overcame me, lulling me to sleep. Only a phonecall broke my dreams and brought me back to this harsh reality that there is still work to be done, and that it is far from over, and that I must still face that same cycle of anger and impatience.

It has progressed so far I can hardly spend an evening where the anger does not break forth from some slight irritation, even a questioning of the actions. You are stuck in that age of rebellion, where the world seems yours by right, and woe to them that stand in your path. Each day I pray for renewed patience, and for the light to clear the scales from your eyes that sometimes see, but all too often shut themselves in self-righteous indignation. All too often I find myself wondering how that person or this could pass Sunday after Sunday not realising anything, when I realise that such self-delusion begins here, with me, with you. I try not to judge, but each time I end up passing verdict, because I cannot but help.

I want to spend just one day at home, free from the calls of school upon my life, resting, and then studying at leisure. This week started out fine, but as it progressed I realised the competing pressures of school and revision are beginning to overwhelm the latter. I fall short of my goals because of this tiredness that sends me to sleep, yet I am forced back to school again and again, which will tire me further. I understand now why so many people just stay at home and study. The days are increasingly useless. But I will never get anywhere with parents for whom skipping school does not exist in their vocabulary. And I suppose that after all, there must be people out there who attend school without fail and still do well. Let's all hope towards the latter.

2006-08-16T15:56:00.000+08:00

I asked Larissa to do that 7 question quiz that's been going around on blogs recently, so here it is:
Joel :
1) Joel can't scare with his stares! haha.
2) Prove to me that you aren't gay by getting attached =p
3) Red, cos you are vibrant and metrosexual i suppose.
4) The fact that you can make watching a debate entertaining. We never fail to beam when you go up.
5) First and clearest: The guy we thought was really gayy at the first debate auditions ( i'm sorry =p)
6) A elephant. Very sombre i suppose, both of you.
7) Are you sure nothing's going on between you and .... you know who i'm talking about right?

As you can see, my sexual orientation seems to be in question. But for the last time, I am NOT gay, larissa... And, if you think that there's something going on between me and you know who, then wouldn't that mean I'm straight? Oh, there's still the bi-sexual argument I guess... And in any case, the answer to the last question is NO.

I'm sleepy... Think I'll nap, then do work. Today was a really boring day...

Dilemmas

2006-08-15T17:59:00.000+08:00

There is a crisis looming. For the sake of the greater good, I seem compelled to go down a course with no return, whose outcome it is impossible to predict, and the odds are that it will not be good. Even if the desired result is achieved, relations will be soured. And if the outcome is not achieved, relations will be soured anyway. But it seems that it must be done, for the sake of the future of this school's debating career.

But maybe there's hope? Maybe this year was just a fluke and we'll get a better crop next year? Maybe he'll do better with a bunch of intelligent people? After all, we didn't turn out that bad.

Ah well. Bad time to be bogged down with such things. They require a lot of care, effort and sensitivity. Politics. And to think I thought that I could perhaps end my two years here care-free, after having the greater part of the time plagued with it. It's all your fault owen, you reminded me...

Anyway, I think today was a productive day, apart from the little diversion in the afternoon, which was pleasant nonetheless. I finished the Middle East test, did Quoyle, which is so much easier than the bloody Tree of Man, and did an Econs test too. I think my revision engine is starting up nicely. Let's hope it doesn't run out of steam too soon.

A most sobering truth

2006-08-11T20:51:00.000+08:00

I went to get out my BT1 progress report and compared it to my BT2 one. Apart from GP, all my grades have stayed exactly the same, including the marks themselves. The troubling thing is that while everything's the same, my strength relative to the cohort has gone down. In every subject my percentile is down, some rather substantially. It confirms only something I already knew since the results came back. Stagnation. It is that most insidious of perils. While I'm doing just enough to stay just there, everyone else is forging ahead. I suppose such little reminders are neccessary to keep me motivated. Ah well...

In other news, something happened today that made me feel rather uneasy about myself. I wonder if this society we live in makes us less human as the days go by. I realise that I'm a terrible comforter. I can listen, offer a few words of advice if they're appropriate, but in most situations I simply don't know what to do. I dislike giving cliches, and when I do offer advice it must happen in a calm rational atmosphere where the person in question is calm too, not in hysterics or tears. I absolutely have no idea what to do about tears. I think I'm too rational at times. It's not necessarily a good thing. I mean that I need to operate analytically/logically. Which explains why I'm not very good at handling emotional situations. They are never very rational, and they usually throw me off balance. Hmm, guess I need to get...more in touch with my emotions? urgh, that sounded a bit, um, gay. But there, it's a choice between humanity or robotics.

I also just realised how fortunate I am to be able to witness fireworks from the comfort of my home. I guess year after year of the same thing kind of wears off the thrill. I begin to take things for granted. But, it is still a sight, and this year I've had the pleasure of watching the whole Fireworks Festival without leaving home. One of the reasons why my father calls this his mansion in the sky, haha.

Meandering

2006-08-07T21:12:00.000+08:00

Last night I went to the Esplanade again for the band concert this time round. Apart from the mistakes made here and there it was quite good, but I wouldn't say fantastic, because in a concert band performance a short out of place squeak has the effect of jarring me out of the experience for a while. Still, I've always liked it whenever the band plays. I loved the way the school song sounded yesterday. And, I think I like the theatre better than the concert hall. More cosy, classy and glamerous haha. the concert hall has a green decor for goodness' sake...

I have something to say about meandering. It happens whenever I'm in a group of people trying to get from point A to point B. For some reason, I always feel like I'm the only one with a sense of purpose and direction about me in such situations. The rest just mill about talking.

"So, are we going?"

"Hmm, yeah."

chit chat, chit chat, mill around, yak some more.

"Eh, can we move?"

"Yeah sure, sure. We're going."

mill, chit chat, look around aimlessly.

It is a most irritating experience. Thank God for people like Benita. It's nice to know there are people out there who feel the same way.

Ah well, I suppose at the end of the day some people will tell me I'm too much in a hurry. Perhaps, and also perhaps not.

2006-08-05T10:41:00.000+08:00

Thanks for all the writing advice everyone :) Let's just see how things work out...

Anyway, I'm still feeling rather drowsy. I slept past 12 last night because of Rapture, which is waaay past my bedtime. So now I don't really feel like doing anything strenuous, which I hope will change soon because I want to get started on my work.

But let me comment on Rapture. Firstly I thought the theatre was fabulous. The gold and red interior looked like classical European concert hall. Then the dances were fantastic. I can't say which was my favourite, because they were all really quite nice, and they came one after another so I didn't have time to think which was better. I really liked the Singaporean one though, if only for sheer comic value. If I ever thought Musa had some shred of manliness/straightness still, it's all gone now. Last night he proved that he was utterly gay. In a good way though. At least it makes for laughs. In any case I think he's a really good dancer. His own dance was quite nice.

Ok, I'm going off now. My bed looks especially comfy suddenly...

2006-08-04T16:43:00.000+08:00

In the midst of an intense philosophical debate over the definition of luck with Benita I turned and asked, "What's your definition of luck, Vicks?"

"Something I lack," was her reply, eyes downward, the corners of her mouth already curling upwards as laughter burst forth.

These, and many equally brainless moments, marked our time on the balcony.

In other news, I just checked out Boey Kim Cheng's new series of poems, and I hereby declare that he finally seems to have found some direction in life. At least he's poems don't sound half as angsty anymore. Rather placid in fact. I prefer the older style.

2006-08-01T18:34:00.000+08:00

It is very frustrating for me to study so much and then be let down by the speed at which I write. The stupidity of the situation stems from the fact that I'm being constrained by a factor not easily changed. If I was being let down by a lack of content, that can be easily amended. But now, three and a half weeks to go to the prelims, can I successfully alter my writing speed? After living and writing this way for 18 years, I am now faced with the extremely real possibility that even though I may have studied my hardest and smartest and worked as much as I can, come November I might cut off from my desired grades simply because I cannot write fast enough. This is a possibility that annoys me to no end.

Others study and practice writing for essay skills. I practice writing for penmenship skills. And it is simply not easy to change my writing speed, because that involves changing my handwriting, and many people, save for a lifechanging event involving their limbs, hardly ever change their handwriting. It stays the same! Can I be expected to speed up in three weeks? And even if I am expected to (I am, actually, considering all things), can I actually accomplish it? I cannot and will not believe something this banal will actually hinder me. People don't write as much as they should because they may not know what to say. I don't write as much as I should because I can't (this is for those occassions on which I do know what to write of course).

And it is with these very frustrating thoughts that I left my IH test, thoughts that superceded ones that others would no doubt consider more important, thoughts like "Was I right? What was the correct answer?" I consider these thoughts more important too. But this afternoon, the sheer inanity of my situation blocked out all others for a while.

Past and Future

2006-07-28T16:52:00.000+08:00

This morning I was thinking about my past and future. Not long term, just the immediate spans before and after now.

On the way to school I suddenly started thinking about NS. I think it was because we didn't have PE yesterday, and the fact that the Napfa results are going to be submitted to Mindef very soon, that got me thinking about it. Now, whenever I talk about the army, people expect me to launch into a barrage of angry attacks. They think I dislike the army so much because of the host of reasons I usually offer: It's a bloody waste of time, the regimentation sucks, I have no national pride, etc. That's only part of the story. My antagonism towards the army is only the corollary of something deeper. It is my fear.

I fear entering the army. It's a deep, primal fear that guts my system and sends my heart rate up. I avoid thinking about the army not because I can't stand it but because I'm afraid of it. Why? Because of everything it represents. Entering the army is a new environment. But it's different from any new environment. It is so fearful to me because it represents a new environment where I am completely cut off from everything I hold familiar and true. In the army, I am forced to rely upon the very thing that has never been my forte. My physical strength.

I am an academic, honestly speaking and without ego. I am an academic in that studying is my strength. Logical, rational debate is my weapon. Never in my life have I ever come close to possessing the physical strength or menace to actually pummel someone. But it has never mattered that much, save during the annual Napfa, because I have always relied on academic strength to get by. In the army however, my situation will be entirely different. For two whole years, I will be forced to constantly rely upon my physicality to survive. That scares the shit out of me because sometimes I honestly wonder if I can take all the physical training, the regimentation and the inane orders. I actually wonder if I'll physically survive BMT. I will be shuffled into a company of people I have never known, and what frightens me is that they might all be ah bengs or jocks conversing in hokkien, mandarin, every language except the one I use. There will be bullying and sabotage and teasing and embarrasment because the entire atmosphere of the army centres around brute strength, something I lack. For once in my life I will be close to helpless.

I will be stuck in an environment of constant machochism and male camaraderie. Now, I'm all for guy bonding, but when the bonding becomes all gritty and grimy and sweaty and involves soccer, something I hear army guys do very often, I freak out. Give me a library or a classroom or something that actually requires mental strength, and I'll bond all you want. There's something crass about male bonding that repells me if it involves nothing but physical puns.

So there, an early morning horror story to brighten my day. The reason I get pissed off by the SAF is because I fear entering it. For two years my mind will rot away, doing absolutely nothing mental. Even during the lectures that I hear they have they will be about assembling new ways to murder people. I wonder how many fresh faced conscripts that pass those gates each year consider the fact that they are being trained to kill. I wonder how many wives and girlfriends, no matter how proud they get on National Day as the parade marches past, consider the fact that their men are now skilled butchers.

Oh well, I guess if you can't fight them, join them. No doubt wise sages will soon enlighten me with the positive aspects of NS. The toughened body (of course), the stamina, discpline, perserverance. But having a bright outlook doesn't mean my fear will be any less.

The Past.

During Econs lecture today I chuckled to myself because I realised God has a sense of humour. One week from now will be the school's annual dance concert, Rapture, the next biggest thing on the college social calendar after Grad Night. Last year, around this time, I was in an emotional whirlwind. I think my companions through the lecture got me thinking about this again.

I shall enjoy Rapture much more this time round. Last year I sat through it with a pounding heart, my nerves on end. The smiles after were forced. My exit was as quick as possible.

Not long after I had a long sms conversation with a certain someone.

It was at this point in my thoughts that I realised, how ironically, that one year on, I sat between both of them, at ease and in peace.

God has a sense of humour, and it's at these moments that I thank Him for it.

Bring me through all my storms on eagles' wings, Father. Keep me in perfect peace.

Not quite deja vu

2006-07-27T18:25:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I witnessed the demise of a team that was headed for destruction from the beginning. I wish my words weren't so harsh, nor so cynical, but no matter how far they've come, no matter how much they've improved, it has not been enough. They still cannot think fast enough, nor see fast enough, even hear fast enough. Next year Singapore will crash and burn in the World Schools Championships unless the potential team drastically improves. Owen and I predict they will be out by the octofinals. Given the time and amount of training they'll receive I'd revise that to maybe the quarters. But hey, miracles have been known to happen.

So it wasn't deja vu. I wonder if their seniors felt some sense of vindication as their juniors undid what we did to them last year. Dennis says they should be feeling insulted, that so bad a team won where they did not. I suppose there is logic in that. But a win's a win anyway.

Lousy debates aside, I look forward to getting into a good one myself soon. Nothing makes me feel like debating more than watching one, especially a lousy one. So, here's to the All Stars quadrangulars/tournament soon! (I hope Ms de Souza is reading this haha... Anyway give us a call and we'll book the rooms or something :) Ah, but everyone's so busy these days...

I realise that I quite like Boey Kim Cheng's style of poetry. I find the language very vivid and rich. It lacks the lyrical flowing style of classical poetry, but the free verse is strangely appealing to me. It has a strong flow in itself too.

Tomorrow will be a long day. But right now, I just feel like sleeping. Ngargh. If only we could return to a carefree life for a while. Or is there such a thing to return to in the first place?

2006-07-25T21:42:00.000+08:00

A short and brilliant (considering how long it's been) spar made my day. Debating is like cycling, I guess. You never forget how to do it. And a dip into that pool once again is really refreshing, especially after a long day at school. I realise that everytime I watch some sporting match involving the school I somehow feel like debating after that. My own sport, haha.

So anyway, it's been a while since I blogged, and the events since then have just whizzed past me. It's all becoming a blur now, with nothing significant standing out. I enjoy the company of friends, getting over the boredom of the eternal tutorials, becoming slightly crazy in the absence of progress.

This morning I missed my stop for the second time in a month. I must stop this before it becomes habit. It annoys me, really, committing such silly mistakes.

Then later in the day I got back my Korean War script that gave me some reassurance that yes, I am making some progress, that my efforts are paying off. I musn't slacken now, nor lose pace, but the days are growing soo long, and the lessons so dreary. Our econs tutor, to put it blandly, is slowing down the class. It appears extremely ironic that a subject so concerned with productivity levels should be the one generating the least amount of it, or so it would seem. I've been daydreaming with Dai Wei about kidnapping Mr Nga and forcing him to teach our class instead. Oh for some clarity out of this mess!

I shall enjoy tomorrow. We shall be involved in hard labour, followed by PC, arguably still my favourite subject, then finally pizza. After all this I shall go off to YJ for the quarterfinals of the debating championships. I really hope they win. I want to see deja vu, and today's spar has whetted my appetite.

Anyway, this Sunday will be the More To This Life concert. I really like the dances, especially Why. It never fails to move me. And I particularly like one line in Vincent's poem.

Oh I bear the burden of a life of days

It seems really apt.

I still tremble, yet want to draw near to the fire. I think I have a phobia of the altar.

Catharsis

2006-07-13T18:24:00.000+08:00

Today was thoroughly eventful. To begin with, it was the Council's stepping down ceremony. Now, everytime I blog or speak about the Council people expect negative things to come out of my mouth, but this time I won't say any of that. In spite of everything, if they did one thing really well, which I think is plainly obvious, it was in sheer effort and determination. So I think it was appropriate that Mrs Lim read the passage on the talents for the ceremony. So well done, thou good and faithful servants.

Derek posted the Olympic motto on the stepping down video, which ran something like, "The essential thing is not to have triumphed, but to have fought well." How typically diplomatic of the Olympics, but the battle-hardened cynic might reply, "No one remembers the first runner-up." Isn't that the beef about today's society? No matter how much we praise the effort, people still value the result at the end. Our meritocracy is not truly meritocratic in that it fails to recognise the merit in working hard, which does not always translate into good results, the one thing that the system really recognises. And I think living today really gets people down because of this basic flaw in the system: the absence of a clear link between effort and success.

This week has not been a very good week, because all the BT2 results came out. There have been great disappointments. But thank God for the little joys planted here and there: a grade better than expected, a friend to take comfort in, etc. Before I entered JC, I never truly understood the power of catharsis, but now I do. I think for me the best catharsis comes through speaking or crying. There is comfort in pouring out your woes to a friend who understands. There is comfort in collapsing into a heaving wrack of tears. But the ultimate comfort is that we are not of this world, though we be in it, and that we belong to a society higher than this, one where effort is recognised, every tear is noted, every triumphed celebrated, every valley walked with, every mountain scaled with.

And in the final analysis, there is more to this life than just grades, and even the paper chase takes on a new meaning when you know who you're chasing it for.

The morning after

2006-07-08T11:23:00.000+08:00

This morning I woke up with a profound (should I use profound? perhaps strong would be better) sense of emptiness. There was absolutely nothing to look forward to, nothing to get excited about, nothing left to do. I said last night that I'd done my last service to the school, but I only felt it this morning. College Day was the last big event for me. I have nothing left to do but study. All the weeks in front of me now are just filled with days upon days of studying and getting back results that I don't want to get. My History is screwed, I don't know what to expect for Econs, and there's an immense amount of revision to do. On top of this, my mind blackens whenever I consider the fact that every minute that passes brings me closer to NS.

But I want to talk about the emptiness for a while, because it occupied me for some time this morning (how ironic). It gave me the realisation that for a long time, my life has just been a series of events to look forward to. So the minute I have nothing left to do, I'm done for. But this is not how it's meant to be. Where does God come into the picture then? I was wondering, because am I not supposed to find complete and utter satisfaction and joy in Christ? Of course, I think inexpressible joy cannot be found on Earth, because then no one would bother going to Heaven. But if I can feel so empty on a Saturday morning, then it makes me wonder if the focus of my life has been wrong. I don't have to wonder, really. Deep down I know. I've been very preoccupied by just living from day to day, looking forward to one event after another, that I've neglected the things that really matter. And right now, the struggle for me is to find that right balance of living for God in the midst of my daily routine.

Ah well, I don't feel so bad anymore, but I still dread going back to school on Monday morning, and settling back (settling back? or starting?) into revision mode. Well, at least there ARE some bright sparks along the way. Rapture, the band concert (during which Vicks plans to abandon me), Brendon's still-to-come dinner treat, friends. But there, see, what happens when these all pass?

There is a saying: The man who has God and the whole world has no more than the man who has nothing but God.
That gives me tremendous comfort.

The Disembodied Voice

2006-07-07T21:01:00.000+08:00

Finally, College Day is over. No more rehearsals, no more blazers, no more standing up for long hours. All the pomp and pageantry is done, and I've completed my last service to the school. My oratorical career in SA has come full circle. I kind of like the fact that I became a disembodied voice at the end. Always wanted to try that, haha.

So, now, I can focus on my studies. I'm not satisfied with the results I've gotten thus far, and I frankly feel as though I'm stagnating or deproving in fact. I have to try harder or work smarter to move on, move higher. Ah well, to work.

Last night I had dinner with the debate alumni. We learned some interesting stuff, at length though, thanks to the story telling skills of Ms de Souza. Incidentally, If you're reading this Adrienne, you and Candice can still manage make noise at College Day two years after you've left.

So yeah, I'm very tired now. Going to bed.

2006-07-02T22:20:00.000+08:00

Chris was talking today about how God wants us in that place where we feel that we absolutely cannot do anymore, anything without Him, and how that in that moment, that should be the kind of attitude we should have in relying on Him. Total faith, total dependence, Peter on water, a child in her father's hands.

It didn't really strike me till I just read someone's blog and was thinking to myself, well, he wants to do well, good for him, but take it easy boy. And something really disgusting came into my mind that made me realise how true it is, that the rich will always find it hardest to inherit the kingdom, because they don't know what it feels like to be utterly dependent upon one person for their life. And once again, my old enemy, Pride, rears its ugly head.

2006-06-30T21:16:00.000+08:00

By the grace of God, I finished Block Test 2. Just as I predicted, I was struggling to pull through, even earlier than I expected though. Every source that I completed was a chore. But, I got that sudden extra burst of energy I needed to finish the last essay, so thank God, really. It's a weight off my shoulders.

So now, I feel free, temporarily. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the week and the next at least. Catch up on reading (hopefully), sleep, yak, play, ahhh...

2006-06-29T11:09:00.000+08:00

My History notes are strewn in various piles across the table, but aside from a few half hearted attempts to read up on the Security Council I have not done anything productive this morning, which is why I'm here blogging, because I feel so disinterested in studying at the moment and unmotivated that I might as well pop in and update the blog.

Econs so exhausted me yesterday that when I came home I went and slept through the afternoon, woke up, walked around groggily and then started to compile my list of UN author credentials. It was completed in the night finally. I have no idea how I'm going to pull through History tomorrow but I'm trusting in God. I mean this physically, not even mentally yet, because yesterday by the time I got to the case study I had a headache creeping up, and as I ploughed through I was like, "Ok, qn A's done. Argh, there's still B, C, and D to go. (And when I was at C) Ngargh, there's still D!" I can already hear myself saying tomorrow, "Oh great, that's one source based done, but there's still another to go, and another, and another..."

It feels like it's the holidays already, because everytime I finish an exam I think the holidays are round the corner, but they're not, cos in jc it's the other way round, which I still can't decide is good or bad. But nevermind, because this time tomorrow we shall be freed of the block test, and I can lay aside all the bloody names and dates and things history throws at us. We were chatting yesterday and I too realised that I've lost my initial love of history. I still like it in some sense, especially cold war history, but it's become so terribly detailed and dreary that I cannot see myself enjoying it again for its fun, like the boy whom CS Lewis says cannot see the point of studying Xenophon till he finishes his course and masters Greek in all its intricacies. Blah.

Oh! Superman! I want to go watch that! SOON. But there's a silly rehearsal for College Day tomorrow so while everyone runs hither and thither free upon the sunlit grass I shall have to be stuck in school till 3 and beyond. THREE. Of all things. I've got nothing to do for four hours...

Oh yes, and my inbox is being flooded with email from JC 1 scholars because last year, when a few of us were called up for the scholarship group thingy, I stupidly allowed all mail from the scholar's site on Moodle to be sent to me. So recently, when Mrs Neu called for the JC 1 scholars to send her their individual achievements list, they ALL started sending them one by one, and for some reason, insteade of sending it to her directly, it comes to me too. I was wondering if I should delete them all, bcause achievements lists can be quite interesting reading if you know whom they concern, and a few of them are my juniors. But heck, I couldn't be bothered, so I've been deleting them as they come. I wonder how many are there.

Okay, I shall go try to study now. Ohh, but freedom is so close, so close!

2006-06-22T22:14:00.000+08:00

I just read Owen's blog, and I wondered if it's common for debaters to romanticise the art so, because he's not the first or only one to paint debating in such loving terms. I guess it applies to everyone's chosen sport/activity. But I'm always in pleasant delight at the way debaters seem to elevate our joy to such levels of adulation, or describe it moment by moment. And reading his post suddenly made me want to post something about it too, since as he put it, debating is a form of escapism, and the days are growing shorter, the hours more anxious.

What a narcissistic bunch we all are. Or at least me, haha.

Once, maybe, the block tests are over, and we are granted a momentary reprieve from preparation, we can indulge in a nice long debate with the best of minds. Gather all the seniors together. Form various permutations of the All-Stars. Have round upon round of argument. a Senior Quadrangular, why not?

You know, at the end of it all, debating is actually supposed to serve a purpose, namely the production of the best solutions to the world's problems, honed and sharpened in the ferment of debate. But here, we've turned it into an end in itself. Ha, but then, the sharpening of minds is another goal of debating.

Goodnight, Mr Chairman.

Debating

2006-06-15T21:09:00.000+08:00

I want to debate. The past few days have whetted my appetite for more. And I don't just want to debate against anyone; I want the best. I want to experience again the feeling of having to stretch my mind and go up there and speak well, sit down, and leave the floor feeling satisfied, knowing I've done my best against a good team and come off well. These two weeks have reinforced for me, more than ever, my belief that debating is so much more than about one person. It is above all a team effort. And I hope, I sincerely hope, that the five people who are to carry on the torch learn that well, and learn that soon. Yesterday, I would have ranted about how pathetic they were, how absolutely low they went. But after today, I can say that at least they've improved. All I hope is that they continue to listen to their opponents, and think. They have potential, and looking at the top four schools, they can go far.

I also want to say that I've seen what it means to live your life as a living testimony for God, through my senior and friend, Brendon. He's earned tremendous respect from me for his humility, his dedication to coaching a bunch of stuck up ingrates despite suffering from flu, fever, n a sore throat, his graciousness and commitment. I'm not used to publicly affirming someone, but then he's given me reason enough to affirm him. I've realised the impact of living a life like that on me, which has given me pause to reflect. No one is perfect, but then if you're different enough, people sit up and notice.

World conquest and the Great Singapore Sale

2006-06-06T21:28:00.000+08:00

It's been a lazy start to the second week of the holidays for me. The anxiety about the block test has begun to creep in, resulting in a few half hearted starts at studying. Still, the progress seems fine to me for the start of the week. I'm all but done with the Crisis of Communism, moving on to Econs tomorrow, if I can being myself to it. I realise I'm purposefully avoiding Econs for now, for the very reason that it'll take the most amount of effort to get through, which is of course the very reason why I should start on it as soon as possible. Oh well, I'll try tomorrow.

In other news, I saw my old Civilisation 3 game manual yesterday, which immediately tempted me to play it, and so I reinstalled it today and began conquering the world. Well, not exactly, it's a slow start, as usual. I've never really been an aggressively expansionistic player in these sort of games. I tried Persia, then switched to India, so now I'm ruling a good portion of the globe as Gandhi. I had a good laugh when I established New Delhi, which, according to Manit, is separate from Delhi. Incidently the game separates out Delhi and New Delhi as two different cities.

Anyway, on Sunday I had a big shopping spree at John Little. I don't think I've shopped so much in a loong time. Quite uncharacteristic. Nevertheless, it was quite therapeutic, seeing the stack of clothes on your bed at the end of the day, haha.

Ooh I just had an idea! I should have renamed my ruler as Manit! then name one of the cities Gianchandani! hahahhaa

Guacamole and little green men

2006-06-02T22:43:00.000+08:00

The Army, in all its bureaucratic magnificence, makes me like it less than I already did even before I enter its ranks. I couldn't believe a medical checkup could take 4 hours before I went for it, and I still don't. I now believe it takes five and a half hours. And don't get me started on the Oath of Allegiance, or else I might find black suited men knocking on my door soon. Actually, some of the lines remind me of what Martin was barking out during the college play.

That was on Thursday. Yesterday I went back to school for GP makeup, then I caught up with Quek for lunch. A late lunch, in fact, at Carl's Jr. Ahh, now that was filling. I've developed a fondness for guacamole after that. It's a green substance that looks like green mayonnaise, or wasabi, depending on your preference. According to wikipedia, it's an avocado based relish or dip originating from the time of the Aztecs. Great! Mexican food! If only we had tortilla chips to go with it.

So, between discovering how mangled the movie made the Phoenix storyline, I had a lazy afternoon chatting about old times. It is nice, you know, to sit in a cafe or something just jabbering away with an old friend. It is very relaxing, a marked change from a usually busy schedule. We even talked about Earth 2025, that silly old game we used to play when we bored during robotics sessions. It developed into such an obsession I was rushing home everyday to check on my country to see if it was still intact. There is a thrill involved when launching devastating attacks upon an unsuspecting soul, especially when you're launching a missile at a friend. That particular incident was really silly...

Anyway, now I have two books waiting to be read, courtesy of Quek. I shall read the thinner one first, because it's by CS Lewis, not because it's thinner. I want to go out again soon too, once KH returns from whichever part of Malaysia he happened to be in yesterday, haha.

Hmm, there's apparently a Guacamole Fund, but it doesnt't seem to have anything to do with guacamole as far as I can tell...

The First Monday of the Holidays

2006-05-29T11:13:00.000+08:00

After all the buildup, the holidays are finally here, and suddenly, I find myself lounging about with nothing to do. Well, I do have things to do of course, but I don't feel like touching them just yet.

First, a recap of the weekend. I watched the Canterbury Tales on Saturday night, and it was really quite funny and lively. I don't know if the artistic licence used brightened the Tales up more than they already are, but in any case I think the production did a great job in bringing out the boisterous, cheeky, and downright sexual flavour of Chaucer's works. It was a nice way to end the evening.

Then on Sunday we celebrated my father's birthday with a huge chocolate banana cake from Secret Recipe. It definitely weighs more than a kilo, and the height is just awesome. Next year, I shall get my black forest cake from there. At night we ate seafood at the Kallang riverfront. I wanted chilli crabs, but my brother sulked as usual and we had to switch to a crab cooked with garlic and spring onions. Still palatable, but I've been wanting to try a nice chilli crab for so long. The last time I ate one is beyond my memory.

It started on Friday, after training, or maybe even earlier, and since then I've been daydreaming about the team (our team) going head to head with rj in the nationals semis and beating them to face ac in the finals. It's a strange fantasy anyway, one that can never be fulfilled. But you know, after watching all the sports teams play their hearts out this season, I wish I was back in the July of last year. And whenever my mind goes back to that time I imagine all of us sitting on stage in an intense debate against rj (why rj? I think it's partly becos I'm tired of debating against our usual friends, and I'd like to save ac for the finals), and we're opp, since we've always been better at opp. It's a very close match, and we split the judges 3-2, but for the first time we actually win the damned split! Doesn't matter what the motion is, in fact, the whole dream involves me taking much of the limelight, haha, but then Owen delivers a stunning blow after Suhas's own brilliant speech, and I round up the reply with a flourish. Everything is pitch perfect, the style, the content, the argumentation. Our teamline is consistent through all three speakers. Prop puts up a good defence but they cannot quite reply effectively to one nagging point which we exploit and mercilessly blow up in their faces. Ah, sweet victory.

But alas, we all know our glory days are over. Time to fade into the shadows, buckle down and study hard. Oh, but for that moment, that one moment, we actually had the chance.

2006-05-25T18:35:00.000+08:00

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

This afternoon's rain has sort of placed me in a quieter, subdued, reflective mode. I love the rain when I'm nicely tucked into bed at home, but not when I'm out. Let me take the opportunity to thank Vicks and Jeremy here for running back to school and out again to get umbrellas for us, even at the risk of physical injury, as Jeremy suffered, and getting drenched, as Vicks suffered. Thank you guys!

So anyway as I was saying I'm now in this quiet reflective mode which I suspect is not too unlike a feeling of sleepiness. But I feel a need to think about my spiritual life in general, which has not been progressing smoothly recently. It's a bad tendency that I have, slipping into nonchalence for long periods of time, kind of wallowing about in lukewarmness. Sometimes I think I'm just lazy, other times I'm too timid. I hope this holidays I can spend some time setting my affairs right.

I just remembered something by CS Lewis. "We have never told the whole truth. We may confess ugly facts, but the tone is false. The very act of confessing - an infinitesimally hypocritical glance - a dash of humour - all this serves to dissociate the facts from yourself." It's at times like this when I remember the true meaning of those words and realise how acute Lewis was in his observations of self. And of course, he's right. How well I know that. It's an ugly truth.

Well, I'm off to dinner. I think a fault of mine is that I can never hold long periods of self-reflection. Or maybe I don't want to. Oh well, I'll leave it to God.

Waiting for the bell to ring

2006-05-23T18:14:00.000+08:00

All my lessons have practically degenerated into exercises in patience. I sit there waiting for the bell to ring. The days are becoming so leisurely and frankly, dull, that we spend our time daydreaming of the possibilities available to us come Friday. Ahh, Friday, will it ever come? I dislike the looming prospect of the PC test tomorrow. It's like this untimely obstacle in the way of my path to the weekend. I wish I could get it over and done with as soon as possible. Other than that the rest of the week should be fine. I want to watch X3, and I hope it can be this Friday.

I still don't know what I should do about tomorrow. I'm undecided about going for the hockey girls finals, or to stay for debates. In the first place I don't know if I can skip debates. There are things to discuss... Anyway, I think that Owen should get a service award for debates too, so there, I'm making my stand official here. It's unfair to recognise only one person's efforts in a cca simply because the cca happens to be very small. What if another person did just as much work? (I'm still inclined to think that I've done more work though, hehe...) So, anyway, I wish Jill and co. all the best for their match tomorrow. Hope they win!

I realise NS talk makes me depressed. I don't know how it started, but our conversation somehow drifted into the army as we waited for history makeup. It's really unnerving and gloomy to think about the prospect of entering two years of regimentation, physical hardship, trauma, filth, mud, soil, sand, rain. I wonder if the nation is worth dying for, really. All my life I've always placed NS in a corner of my mind whenever the topic comes up, because I don't want to face it, and anyway it always seemed far away. Now, I'm left with roughly six months of freedom, depending on my performance in Napfa. Oh, the misery.

Let's look at brighter things! I'm home! Nice and dry! My bed seems comfy, and later on I'll snuggle up in it. The food is on the table, the TV dispenses entertainment. Ha, the comforts of home.

2006-05-22T16:21:00.000+08:00

It is the last week of school. Yes, the final frontier to cross before we can reach that blessed period of rest, if indeed it can be called rest. I think the June break needs to be renamed. It's not the holidays, it's something else, like extra lessons time. But in any case, I want that break from the regular routine.

On Saturday I went down to watch the team debate at the semis. I don't want to comment too much on that here. I've said much more elsewhere. Then after that I went down to orchard to catch the Da Vinci Code. Interesting movie. I've always been a sucker for conspiracy theories. They bring some mystery into my life. I realise that's why I like adventure stories or thrillers. I like the feeling of being compelled to turn the next page to find out more.

I think I'll go sleep for a while. Then do the SBQ. ugh.

2006-05-15T17:03:00.000+08:00

After a valiant attempt to resist returning to me, my watch now sits safely at home. Let me tell you the adventure. I went to Wheelock Place with Dai Wei to collect the watch. So we took the lift up to the eighth floor, but I didn't see and we ended up on the ninth floor. So we decided to take the stairs down one floor. We went down, and found the door locked. So we went back to the ninth floor to take the lift down. But horror of horrors! The ninth floor door was locked! We were trapped in the stairwell! So we went down, and down, trying every door, until at last we re-emerged in the lift lobby of the first floor... Then we went up again via lift. And the rest is history.

I'm tired and sleepy now. I just want to take some rest before I do my work. Night, world.

In larger freedom

2006-05-14T18:24:00.000+08:00

I want to thank everyone that tagged after my last post, even though I only actually read the tags on Friday. Even then I was too tired to blog, but I was quite heartened by them.

Quek: yeah, I agree with you. I'm still too afraid, or at least right now, too tired. But it shouldn't be this way, should it?

Benita: yup, pressing on, I mean, what else can we do, right? Thanks for understanding :)

Liz: well, I wasn't pinpointing you, but in any case, thanks for the congrats!

Kelly: haha, you're one of those that make life better too. Perhaps one fine day we can actually say goodbye without rushing off somewhere.

Owen: well, if I didn't think so much I wouldn't be the person you feel crippled without... but it's good having you around anyway. makes me laugh, haha.

And now onto the meat of my post. It's done, I'm done with it. All the bloody late nights working at presentations and what not are done for now. I think this has been one of the most stressful periods of my life, and I shudder to think that the worst is yet to be. Anyway, the MUN presentation was a success on Thursday, so I'm happy about that.

My Vesak Day holiday was totally burnt by what became an 8 hour meeting over the UN seminar presentation. Then yesterday was gone too, since the seminar took up the whole day. But, I'm glad to announce that at least we got 2nd place for our efforts. And, the dinner at Tony Roma's more than made up for the work. There was so much food we had to pack some home. I love Tony Roma's chicken. I absolutely love it. I know they are famous for ribs, but the chicken serving was so large and so nice that by the time I was finished with it I could only take in two ribs, which were nice too, but they didn't rock my socks off. I guess the chicken had overpowered it. In any case, I wasn't wearing socks, hahahaha! (ok that was silly)

I also attended the college play on Friday. Now that was some tricky business of rushing back and forth. I nearly broke down going home, actually. I just felt the strain was almost too much to bear. But anyway I made it home, changed, and was off again. The plays were okay, and I liked the first one better. More thought-provoking, although I believe both were supposed to do the same. Now the image of Vicks dressed up as a ma-jie will forever be engraved in my mind. As though being called one at school wasn't bad enough!

Essentially I'm left with only today free after the long weekend. But I'm still quite tired by all the events of the past few days. I titled this post "In larger freedom" because I thought it apt that the closing words of our presentation yesterday echo my sentiments now. It's all temporal though. I have two tests coming up this week, and more debate training. But this time I refuse to be bogged down by training. The juniors have exceeded my expectations over the weekend and won three debates in a row at the ACJC Debate Invitationals. So, I expect them to be more active in taking charge at meetings. I'll just leave the key with them or something.

Okay, I'm done. I'm in this pleasant state of sleepiness, the residue of an afternoon nap. Now I'll go finish off the rest of the chicken.

Get off my back

2006-05-10T21:28:00.000+08:00

It is in the quiet solitude of the night as I walk to the bus stop that the sickness overcomes me. That damp air sticks to my skin and the tiredness washes over. As I reach the bus stop that familiar feeling of irritation takes over. It's always like this. I get charged up and excited during my activities, only to lapse into this bitter, antagonised self.

Why, I wonder, do I have to come home everyday at 8, leave for school by 6.45? People have 8 hour workdays, I have 12. It's just the whole pressure of working late, coming home, and doing more work that really gets to me. I was never quite like this. But recently my fuse is getting shorter. I swear only the presence of beni, dai wei, jeremy, bryan, musa n vicks keeps me relatively jovial and happy in school. That and the grace of God. And to be sure, it must His grace that keeps me going, because how else to explain the fact that despite the stress that's been building up over the past few months, my body refuses to fail or break down, even if I may secretly wish for it to do so and get myself a break? Compared to me my class is absolutely sickly. In fact, this is the sickliest class I've ever been in. People "fall ill" on a regular basis, or some don;t come at all because they're "sick of school". Yeah, sure, like the people who DO attend aren't sick of school.

It's rubbish you know, to hear people complain non-stop about how they can't keep up with lessons or that they don't understand. Of course you don't! How could you, when your absenteeism rate averages out to around 2 per week? And I have to put up with all this shit, and then come home to be questioned by my parents about my whereabouts. I mean, I know they're concerned, but give me a break. I'm sick to death of having to explain continually to them what MUN means, what this activity is or that. It's not like they remember anyway. Where could I be anyway? Gallivanting round Singapore? I have better things to do. And then my father tells me to stop overcommiting myself, tell the teachers I don't want to do it. Yeah sure, it'd be great if life could just stop and I could drop everything. But I can't. I've made commitments, I like what I do, and even if I don't, I can't just stop. There are others around me who are more laden with work than I am.

But of course, it's back to the same conflict. When do I stop comparing my situation to people worse off than me and start living for myself? There will always be someone poorer than you, true, but there's always someone richer than you. And one day, one fine day, I wish I could just fling out all this talk about oh, people have more stuff to do, I shouldn't complain, and get on with life. But I'm brought up this way, I have my principles. My parents would be proud, if they knew the crap I go through. I get home later than them everyday, I still have to work through essay assignments, I still pass up on time everytime, I still get respectable grades. I mean, come on, how much more can you expect from your son? There are plenty of people I know who idle their time away at home or somewhere else in school and still can't produce work on time. You know what I say to their reasons? Bullshit. Life's tough, so get on with it. Grow up, and stop whining.

By now I now I've completely contradicted my case. I've just completed what must be the longest rant/whine I've ever done on this blog. Well, I know. Judge not, lest ye be judged, how well I know that. But the steam needs to let out sometimes. So although I complain so much, at the end I know I'll just bite the bitter medicine I've just dished out and go on. What else can I do? Skip school? Dream on. I have an entire PC essay to complete, and I know that no matter how late it gets it will appear done tomorrow. So be it. That's my lot in life, I'll just have to do it, and if this post has taken up too much precious time, so be it.

On a happier note, I passed my 2.4 for the first time in JC today. Thank be to God. I'd never be able to do it without His strength. And to think about it, I'll need plenty of strength in the days to come.

It's been a while...

2006-05-05T21:18:00.000+08:00

The fact that I have not blogged for more than a week is proof of how busy I've been. I'm quite glad that the weekend is finally here, but even in this sacred rest time work will not let its grip go: I have to spend my Saturday evening discussing a GP presentation... Of course, some will point out the pleasure of discussing such a topic in the presence of three lovely young ladies, and though I will not begrudge that fact, I'd rather have my Saturday night free of work and not meet them, than to meet and work.

I realised today that I for the whole of this week not once did I leave school when lessons ended. The next week looks set to be repeat of this. I have meetings, debate sessions, and other meetings lined up for all my afternoons, and even the whole of next Saturday will be taken up. Add to this the increasing workload and the intensifying academic schedule, and I have a pretty large amount of stress on my back. Hopefully, it's time I find the discipline and time (how ironic) to start studying seriously. Happy is he who has time to pass.

Anyway, I think I make things out to be worse than they truly are. School is still liveable, especially in the company of six other people who make the time pass faster, if not happier, than it really does. Where would I be without them? And the after school sessions aren't really school work. I mean, debating is still attractive to me, even though I fret over the j1s. Mun, well, it's fun too in a way, preparing to present. I look around the balcony and I see many people actually studying and doing far more real academic work than I am. So, I guess I need to buckle down.

I want my praises to be more than empty words, I want my intentions to translate into action, I want my will to be stronger than temptation. In fact, I want to want to overcome. I need that passion to fill me more than it ever has, and I yet I need to stop being afraid of the consequences of fire. I need to find my sense of direction again.

Memories

2006-04-26T16:47:00.000+08:00

Two busybodies made me think about things I haven't thought about in months. It's hard to go back to a period that seems so long ago and try to recall what it was like. I probably shouldn't. But then again, bits and pieces of it are starting to fall back into place. I'm quite amazed at how far I've come, and what I've gone through. Such adventures, Isabella would say, and how marvelous while it lasted.

I actually came home with the intention of blogging about what happened at length. But now I seem to have lost the motivation to. Just a fleeting reminisence of the past I guess. It's good, though, to remember experiences. Really, there were so many things that happened that it seems funny now in hindsight. So many things to be thankful for too, haha. I think sometimes I need these things to remember the infinite wisdom of God.

Ugh, there's PE tomorrow. Not looking forward to that...

Frustration

2006-04-25T21:32:00.000+08:00

Today started off badly. It began last night actually. The amount of work I had to complete just suddenly got to me, and I felt this huge wave of irritation, not so much sianess as compared to irritation, just sweep over me. I was fed up with work, I was fed up with debates, I just couldn't bear the thought of having to plow through another Lit essay, and at the end of it bother writing out stupid econs outlines. And then as I thought about debates it really irritated me that I had to stay back so late again. Really, what's the point when you seem to be putting the cart before the horse?

And I guess this irritation just funnelled through to the morning, and was aggravated by the numerous absentees. Why do I have to turn up day after day when plenty of people around me seem to be able to just come at their own whim and fancy? Is there a point to attending useless lectures and tutorials? Tomorrow will be a case in point. Class attendance will be abysmal, that I can foresee, and yet once again I will be there, sitting through a waste of a day supporting God knows what. I suppose I should be thankful for my excellent health, that I can continuously attend school without fail. But sometimes, like today, seeing so many self-declared holidays really makes me sick, sick of school, sick of work. I wonder really, if there is a point to coming to school. And of course I know the answer is "yes", and I know all the various justifications. I also know that my not going to school just because others don't is nonsense and is a logical fallacy. I also know that there are many other people, especially teachers, who put up with so much bullshit and nonsense from students day after day. I wonder after witnessing the ruckus in class today how they can go on teaching.

And yet, despite all of this head knowledge, heart knowledge just failed me today. I just needed an avenue to vent out my frustration, and yet I find no logical avenue to do so, or even a reason to be angry, because really, I have no justifiable cause to be angry. But I still am.

Oh well, at least training wasn't that bad. Dan Chi and her friend Jimmy came down to visit us today. Had a nice time chatting through the session. And Thursday's session doesn't sound too bad. It's strange, you know. I dreaded the training and yet I left feeling okay, even happy. I hope tomorrow will be better. I need a break.

Ignominy

2006-04-24T08:42:00.000+08:00

I wish I could say that we went out in a blaze of glory, but the answer is far less dramatic, and far less cinematically pleasing. After one week, or maybe two weeks of hours and hours spent in school, the result was more of a crash and burn. I expected it of course, and indeed was not surprised when the results came, but the reality of defeat, and defeat at those pathetic hands, always grows once the even is past. Argh! To say more about our worthy opponents here would only increase the shame and ludicrity of that mess in my eyes.

Suffice to say, the J1s need more work, tons of work, and I'm not sure if they are getting it the right way. At the very least, I can say the BCs were an eye-opener for them, and a learning experience. That is, I HOPE it's a learning experience, and not something to forget, as they already seem to be doing.

Last year we were fortunate. I can say that for at least the past three years we have been fortunate in our intake of members. I simply cannot understand why membership is so poor this year. Perhaps the IP programmes have taken up all the experienced debaters. Ahh, but that's the reality of it. When you do well consistently, people flock to your CCA. But our debating society hardly gets publicity, regardless of performance, and there simply isn't that same culture here that you find in the top 4 schools. It's quite a marvel we've managed to hang on to our no. 5 spot for so long, given our circumstances. Well, we must make do.

Isn't it funny that I'm sitting here blogging when I have an unfinished Top Girls essay due today? ha, that's a first. I hope Mr Smith understands.

The eye of the storm

2006-04-19T15:52:00.000+08:00

Today is like a momentary rest for me, an anomaly as my schedule moves out of two long days into a temporary peace. Tomorrow it will move back into the rest of the storm, which will continue till Saturday at least. If we make it into the quarters (Owen will here correct me by saying "when we make it into the quarters") it will mean yet another week of work. No, it won't be that bad with impromptu debates. So, hopefully we'll break through and give the J1s maximum exposure. I can't believe the ACs are coming so soon. After that I hope I can finally sit down and rest and give up my cca for my studies. In fact, I hope I don't have to take part at all.

I'm going to spend the rest of the day napping, eating, reading, or watching a movie. In the evening I'll attempt the PC assignment, or at least try to. Thank goodness the deadline's been moved back.

Okay, my bed calls...

There, but for the grace of God, go I

2006-04-14T21:57:00.000+08:00

You may have accepted Christ as Saviour, but have you accepted Him as King? That was something that struck me today in church. Denying Christ is far easier than I thought. I don't have to verbally deny knowledge of Him. A simple action is enough. But thanks be to God, that for His grace I still stand, and countless others. I'm looking forward to Sunday!

Yesterday the urgency of the coming competitions dawned upon me. Next Saturday will be the British Council debates, and only last afternoon were the teams formed. We now have two teams entering two competitions within the space of a week, with very green J1s who can hardly deliver a prepared speech, much less an impromptu one. I also realised the imbalance of the J2s leading each team, and so I don't care what Manit says or thinks but he's going over to Owen and Dennis is coming with me. This matter of team dynamics struck me also as I walked home last night. I realised what a finely composed balance our team (the full J2 one) is. Everyone has a part. There's Manit, our perpetual Devil's Advocate; Dennis, the radical and firebrand; Mayeesha, a steadying hand and a counterbalance to Dennis; and of course Owen, our indispensible third speaker, whose point-churning mind scintillates with brilliance. I think the team would be imbalanced without even one member. What a successful combination we all were ;) Now as everyone's breaking up I hope the J1s can forge their own winning combination. We'll need it desperately. So for the whole of next week I'll be shifting into battle gear again. Hai, back to the road, but it's for a worthy cause anyway. And yesterday's training got my blood pumping.

There are so many things happening around me now I just hope I can keep up with them all. Every weekend seems so precious now haha. Oh, and Tedric was released from camp for today. Seeing his shaven crown is just another reminder of time catching up. *shakes head.

Passing Time

2006-04-12T14:09:00.000+08:00

I like what Ker Han wrote on his blog. It's true and quite funny:

School is an quick detour through youth. It takes away those precious carefree moments and replaces them with worries of the future and the troubles of the adult world. Yes, school is a transitional period where we age considerably.

So school matures us, though a little too fast.

Just something that caught my eye. But it's true anyway. How else to mature other than through school? Although I suspect one could learn equally much, and perhaps more, through the school of hard knocks. Really hard knocks.

So, I'm in school now trying to pass time till 5 when I have to go for an MUN meeting. Still have to prepare the presentation... But it's fun anyway, and I like the people there. After this I shall go read a book in the library, although I really should be trying to catch up on my s-paper reading...

I'm half-looking forward to tomorrow. Looking forward because it will be the last day of the school week, not looking forward because the afternoon will be long and complicated. I have s-paper training, and then debate meeting. It appears that the NUS Challenge Shields wasn't my last competition. Because of the severe lack of credible J1s, the J2s have to beef up the teams going into the British Council debates and the Jurong JC debates later this month. Yes, debating is my love, but lately it's just lost its luster for me. All this admin work and research is getting on my nerves. I wish I could just turn up at a meeting and debate and not care about anything else. But these are the responsibilities of being president...

I can't wait for the weekend. I need a break from school to reflect on the wonder of the Cross once more, to rest in the shadow of Him who gave all so that all might be saved.

To my books!

Heavy duty in the morning

2006-04-08T11:04:00.000+08:00

I realised with great clarity last night the fact that I hardly practise what I preach. And it left me with a rather empty feeling, because I seem hypocritical even to myself. And I also noted this intense desire not to ever admit defeat, even as I try to impress upon others the "logic" of my points.

This morning my mother was talking to me and even as I gave my two cents worth I felt as though much of what I said was head knowledge, not something I truly knew by heart. My life seems pretty skewed to me.

Maybe my love has been too critical and harsh. And I think its become mixed up with my desire to be right all the time.

Anyway, Tedric's going off to the army today. Seeing him off later!

2006-04-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

ooh I've got quite a few tags to reply to, so I'll do it now.

bobochacha: umm.... This is quite embarrassing but I'm not sure who you are.... Identify yourself too! Are you Shirley? cos Landy's blog has your name on the link to your blog.

Owen: Then let them come. I fear them not, haha

Jeremy: Thank you, Jeremy! And I think you're adorable haha

Dai Wei: We're all unhappy puppies. With Owen and me we're both aggrieved parties haha

Adrienne: Told you so! Can't believe you thought it wasn't your type of show...

Benita: My pleasure!

Kelly: Stop grumbling about it Kelly... How shall I put it, it's natural. Although it's not always a good thing to be this skinny for a guy...

Owen: hmm, no... altho if thats really the case then it would be a delightful irony.

2006-04-07T14:06:00.000+08:00

Behold! My new blog template! I think it suits me quite well, and incorporates elements of the vague design I had in mind, like the letter or journal style. So I want to say a big thank you to Benita for finding and doing up the template for me :) I really appreciate it!

So, last night was the Life Concert. I thought it was okay, and as I stood on the second floor and looked down I had a sense of the beauty of seeing a sea of worshippers praising God in unison. Being an usher was also quite interesting.

I'm really quite tired now. I've been walking around in school in a slightly listless state. Just not enough energy I guess. I'll go have a nap soon.

Drums in the deep

2006-04-05T17:35:00.000+08:00

I got back my GP results today, and to put it in Mrs Tan's words, I'm not a happy puppy. I'm quite upset about the sharp drop in my grades, firstly on a personal level, secondly on a relative level. I won't talk anymore about it because I'll sound terribly egotistical, which is quite true unfortunately, and because I should be grateful for whatever marks I've gotten. They aren't too bad anyway, all things being considered. In fact, I should really be grateful that my overall grades for BT1 are fairly satisfactory considering the fact that I felt that I hadn't put in enough effort when preparing for it.

A few interesting things occured today that got me thinking about the nature of friendship. It's such a large garbled mess of issues that no post I write here could do it justice. I don't even know what advice to give, apart from listening, because listening is such an essential part of friendship. I wonder how many times I've failed to listen to my friends, or even take time out to spend quality time with them. And at the end of the whole matter, I think the best thing to do is to pray, as always. I think honesty is absolutely vital in a friendship, and two-way communication. It's best probably that things are out in the open now, and where the friendship goes from here depends very much upon willingness to accept each other's differences and cope with them and move on.

In other news, I pray for real patience and grace to handle others around me. Lord, grant me the grace, the patience and the serenity in dealing with people. Help me to be patient even when I get irritated. In fact, help me not to get irritated so easily.

In Spring

2006-04-03T15:59:00.000+08:00

What does love do? Love seeks the good of the beloved, and if the beloved is not at a stage where Love can love unhindered, corrections must be made. This necessitates a certain amount of pain to be inflicted upon the beloved, until such time where the beloved becomes truly loveable. Such a process of Love can only be said to be truly altruistic and good for the beloved if the final stage the beloved reaches is not only loveable to Love, but also that it is the only way the beloved could ever achieve happiness.

Ramblings on Eternal Love... But what of our normal day-to-day relations? It struck me again when I was reading during the weekend that love always seeks the good of the beloved. A father may love his toddler son even if he falters in his first few steps, but ultimately, no father will be satisfied till his son develops the stride of a man. So Love forgives much, but is satisfied with little.

I find a great sense of beauty and sweetness in the love and attraction between a young man and a young woman. No, I am not in love, before anybody starts. It's just that recently I've noted with a certain amount of pleasure the simple delight of seeing a young couple in love, or even just a lone youth waiting to declare his love. Adult relationships lack the sweetness and bliss of youth in my eyes. It is ironic then, that I was telling my mother how I dislike the typical youthful freshfaced eagerness of youth that results in much folly, when she commented on how serious I always look. That exact freshfaced eagerness of youth is what, to me, makes youthful relationships sparkle with the sweet romance that smacks of spring in Paris. No wonder I smile with the revelation that my cousin is in love. And how, for the dear boy wishes to propose in a couple of years. Instantly I think it is silly, but of course, for a dash of youthful presumptousness, can I not forgive his brashness? if indeed it is brash?

I wish I knew what to do. No one else can claim the honour of irritating me so.

Woe and alas! And great was the fall thereof.

He ain't heavy?

2006-04-01T14:11:00.000+08:00

I am frustrated and angry. I have never heard such ridiculous reasoning in my life. I cannot understand how someone can continually place cca above studies, can continually do badly in his exams, and yet keep slacking off. Each time the results come home he promises to work hard in the future, but of course, the vicious cycle continues, no visible change can be seen. What should I do? Should I even be worried? I'm mad, pissed off by his attitude, which always blames everyone around him for giving him a sucky attitude, without ever questioning WHY anyone would give him that kind of attitude in the first place! There is no action without a cause, and franky, everyone is getting fed up with his seeming nonchalent attitude towards academia. His whole life seems to revolve around his cca.

He asked why I was so angry with him. I told him the reason. He said I had no right to be angry, since it doesn't concern me and he thinks it extremely odd that I should bother myself with his grades. Odd?? Unnatural?? It is the most natural thing in the world! What's unnatural is the fact that he thinks I shouldn't care, and that other people are justified in doing so, but not me. Because it doesn't concern me. It doesn't concern them too! Of course, the greatest irony is that he doesn't seem to give a damn either.

I'm so frustrated that he's so short sighted and self-centred and lazy. I can't help but be angry and irritated. I'm at my wits end. And I really need to let off steam.

2006-03-28T20:44:00.000+08:00

Swatch has offered me the choice to either replace my strap, or choose a brand new model altogether, provided it's the same price as my current watch. I shall definitely head down to PS tomorrow to check out the watches there, but at the moment I'd really like to stick to the one I've got, 'cos I really like the design and the colour. A pity the strap keeps cracking up.

I love it that tomorrow is really short. I had a bad enough day today, partly because of Econs and History, partly because the new Tuesday timetable is rather long, with a two hour break leading up to econs lecture. At least, at the end of all the shenanigans of the econs dept, I got to eat my first Krispy Kereme doughnuts! Courtesy of Adrienne, who brought them all the way from London for Owen, who in turn graciously shared them with me. In addition she brought a magnificent poster of Bushisms, the various nonsensical statements George W Bush has made over his two terms in office. That poster now takes centrestage on the debating noticeboard, alongside a rather hideous progression of photos of the team's and exco's mouths, which happen to be autographed. I think whenever I need humouring I shall now pay a visit to Bush and take in the brilliance of the man who sits now in the Oval Office. I truly cannot understand how someone this qualified to turn the most morose person into a bundle of laughs could ever have assumed office. America! What were you thinking? Clearly your president was cut out for a different course in life!

I fear for the immediate future of debates in the school. If things carry on this way we won't have a team to field. Not possible. We can't let all our hard work over the last year go to waste!

We have cause to be uneasy

2006-03-27T21:03:00.000+08:00

I hate the feeling I get the day before school reopens, and even though it's only been a short break, it still hurts to go back. This is not the same feeling as the one I get when a new school year is starting. It's the feeling of going back to school to get results. Yes, those dreaded figures and letters that spell either doom or day. My whole day was marred by the continuous thought of getting them back. It was okay initially, since I didn't know what the timtable was. But then I got the new timetable, and what can be worse than starting the new term with an Econs tutorial and an International History tutorial? The papers I dread the most. I dread all the papers, but I know I didn't prepare sufficiently for Econs, and I know I misinterpreted the Cold War question. For the rest, it's either hit or miss. Well, I know I already missed the mark for Top Girls, but at least it's Mr Smith who's giving back the paper, and that alleviates the situation.

Fie upon them. If the term will begin this way I suppose it's just a sign of things to come. Just as well I suppose, beginning with the two subjects I probably need to work hardest on. Fie upon them. I defy them all, just as I defied the barbarian hordes that swarmed before the walls of Constantinople. Haha, I spent my afternoon at Ker Han's house playing Rome: Total War. It was a good way to destress I suppose, running over my pitiless computerised enemies. Brought back some fond memories of hours spent playing on the computer. Where can I find such time or interest now?

I've been hit by a dozen different irritances over the past few days. Sometimes the situation around me gets so intolerable I feel like lashing at the nearest possible object. I think the phrase, "familiarity breeds contempt" has never proved truer than in the past week. Or maybe that's too one-sided an explanation for my tension. I hate it when people ask me what I think are stupid questions. I hate it when people automatically assume I have the answers to their questions. I hate it when people cut into my space, or annoy me by making me do useless things when they can do them themselves. I hate to see the tension before me, and the unreflective nature of certain people. Yes, mental willpower counts for something when you're sick, but try telling a cancer patient to believe that he's well when he's obviously not! How can one assume mental strength is all that's required?

I can see one good thing coming out of this. I've been so annoyed by so many little things, that it's pushed me to a point where I stop to think and try to put myself in someone else's shoes, and try for a moment to be reasonable and let things go. It's funny, how I have to get so angry that I tire of being angry.

I must have sounded terribly self-centred and unreasonable above. I don't know... I'm really fed up sometimes. There's this desire to at once left alone and yet kept in the know, to be distant and in the fray. Or perhaps this is a wakeup call to return to God. I'm sorry to everyone if I've been short or curt in the past few days, or in the days to come. Maybe I'm blowing my frustrations in the wrong place. Yes, I probably am. It is time, after all, to once again get serious.

It's over, for now

2006-03-23T18:47:00.000+08:00

At last, at long last, Block Test 1 is over. I can say one good thing about JC exams. They seem to pass much faster than secondary school exams, which go on for weeks... If I see Mr Yoong in church this weekend I'll just turn and walk away quickly. Don't want to spoil my day.

We went to Spaggedies for lunch! I liked my blackened crayfish pasta, although the crayfish was definitely not blackened. And the ceasar salad was nice too. Of course, cheese cake is just the way to end off a hearty meal...

Then we went to Bryan's house. And he has a dog! With the most human sounding bark I've ever heard! It's a cute little pomeranian that looks much bigger than it actually is because of its fur; its overall size is still tiny. But it's really cute! It runs in circles and when it barks, or should I say, yelps, it sounds like someone with a high nasal voice going, "Hi! Hi!"

Ah well, the next four days will be days of rest and relaxation. It feels as though the holidays are coming soon, because the exams have just ended. But we all know the harsher reality of life... Then again, who says I can't deceive myself for a little while?

2006-03-20T18:48:00.000+08:00

I think I'm suffering from SIMUN withdrawal symptoms... Sitting in the hall today doing GP it suddenly occured to me that it looked vaguely like the General Assembly hall, and all the tables and chairs looked like delegation seats. I had the urge to take a piece of paper and hold it out into the air, waiting for a securitary to come running and deliver it to the chair or someone. I should have written in the third person for the AQ question. "This candidate agrees with the author of passage..."

I miss all the protocol, I miss the debates, I miss the multicultural environment, I miss the talk and chatter. When you've heard so many different voices and accents, and seen so many viewpoints, coming back to school in Singapore feels so anticlimatic. I wish the holidays were longer.

Well, Day 1 of block test over, and I feel strangely numb. In fact I felt rather numb throughout today. I pray I'll make it through the rest of the week unscathed. Rather looking forward to Thursday.

SIMUN

2006-03-18T18:22:00.000+08:00

I'm exhausted. I've been feeling this way for the past three days everytime I come home. It is tiring work to spend the whole day debating with delegates of various countries. So anyway, updates are due on the Singapore Model United Nations, or SIMUN.

I love the French School, or the Lycee Francais de Singapour (Singapore is pronounced as Singa-poo, how sweet!). The grounds are so European and recreational. Anyway, the conference began well on the first day. There was intense lobbying and a mad rush to get our resolutions printed in time for the committee sessions. The sessions were even better. I found that it is rather enjoyable to point out and bash the various flaws in resolutions. Of course, everything must be said and done in a diplomatic fashion, and also in the third person form of speech. To demonstrate that I shall continue the rest of this post in the third person. I was the ambassador of Brazil for the uninitiated.

To begin, Brazil wishes to stress that it supports the elimination of all forms of religious intolerance. To this end, the delegate of Brazil merged his resolution with the delegates of Australia, Human Rights Watch, Russia, Israel, Sierra Leone, Panama, the United Kingdom, and Japan. The bloc's resolution was passed overwhelmingly by the Human Rights Sub-Committee 2, from which it went on to be debated in the General Assembly, where it too was passed by a large majority. Sub-Com 2 only passed our resolution, out of the 5 that were debated in the committee. The ambassador of Syria was most disrespectful to UN protocol and was almost thrown out by the chair. The delegate of Brazil wishes to stress that Brazil was strongly opposed to the resolution proposed by Syria. Also, the delegate of Panama was repeatedly warned by the chair for using the first-person.

Moving away from third-person, I'm sure you'll all have noted the hilarity that can ensue from using the third person all the time. When the chairperson wished to express her anger with Syria, she had to say, "The chair wishes to say that it is very angry...". And all this third person thingy sometimes makes delegates sound very sarcastic, like when we raise points of information, "Is the delegate of so-and-so aware of..." or "Does the delegate of so-and-so not agree that..."

I was disappointed with today's General Assembly session, as we had to rush through the last few resolutions to fit them in and hence could not make amendments to them. Also, I was strongly against the Security Council resolution on the situation in Georgia that was passed. Russia was clearly acting in its vested interests and not for the good of Georgia. the UK was an even more vehement defender of the resolution.

It was interesting and humourous to see various delegates really getting into character. The ambassadors of North Korea and Cuba respectively were continously hectoring the US for "extending it's empire". Today Cuba went up and accused a US-led resolution of trying to "cover its ass". The US delegation promptly demanded an apology. Cuba relented, but said that the sentiments it expressed remained unchanged.

I heard from other committees that in the one room the Russian delegate threatened the room with use of force, calling for the need to correct "the balance of power" in the Mediterranean. In another room the North Korean delegate gave a brilliant speech in favour of democracy, to which the Iranian delegate replied, "After hearing that speech, Iran notes that the situation of democracy in North Korea leaves something to be desired. How does the delegate explain this?" To which N Korea replied, "Just because North Korea does not practise democracy does not mean it cannot comment on it." Just some snippets of SIMUN politics...

In my own room Panama called for the wall between Israel and Palestine to be torn down. Of course, Israel opposed this, whereas Palestine argued that the wall was a breach of human rights. For my part, I sided with Israel on the grounds that a peacekeeping force sent into the area to replace the wall would worsen the situation.

All in all, I feel that SIMUN has been a great learning experience for me in terms of international diplomacy and issues. I must say that the scenery was very good. I personally felt that Madam Secretary General was very elegant, smart and, well... delectable. And the delegates of the UK, Japan and Israel caught my eye too, haha. I think I have a fondness for foreign women... Thankfully I am proud to say that good scenery did not distract this delegate from the more pressind issues at hand.

Ugh, block test. It's such an anticlimax to degenerate from high politics into mere drudgery... back down to earth, Joel, back down to earth...

V for Vendetta

2006-03-15T21:49:00.000+08:00

Remember, remember, the Fifth of November,
The day of the gunpowder plot.
I know of no reason
Why the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

People should not be afraid of their governments.

2006-03-12T17:19:00.000+08:00

I promised someone I'd blog about her classmates who apparently stole her RJ econs notes and photocopied them. So there it is. I'm afraid writing anymore might implicate me in a situation that doesn't involve me in the first place, so I'm not naming or blaming anyone. But I guess this incident just highlights the increasing desperation of J2s to do well for the coming exams. Incidentally I just got a whole bunch of HC notes from Tedric haha. I shall spend the rest of the week studying like I've never done so before. (theoretically speaking, of course)

I'm extremely thankful that the break is finally here. For once I can stay away from school for a while, with the exception of Tuesday because of GP makeup. Other then that, I think the "holidays" (study break would be a better term) will be spent relaxing while at the same time mugging. I kind of look forward to MUN. Should be fun.

On Friday I judged at the last preliminary round for the secondary school debating championships. I must say that one debate was much better in quality to the rest I've judged. Hopefully I'll get to judge the quarter-finals, and hopefully it will be in a better division, because I'm getting addicted to judging, hehe. I wonder if I'm too harsh though...

I think I need to rest for a while. I wanna watch V for Vendetta! And read up some good books! Borders here I come!

2006-03-09T11:18:00.000+08:00

We had a mock MUN committee session yesterday. It was hilarious. Everything is so formal and organised you have to go through so much red tape just to make a point or amendment. I especially love the part where we get to wave our placards in the air to attract the chairman's attention. Oh, and securitaries. What a delightful concept, having errand boys run from delegate to delegate to pass messages. MUN should be a blast if all goes well. I just need to finish studying most of the work by then.

2006-03-05T18:15:00.000+08:00

A big thank you to everyone who tagged! Thank you liz, musa, vicks, dai wei, and jeremy! I'm sure you're all very excited that I'm finally legal to drink and drive, although I will not be doing the latter for several years to come. As for the former, I think I'll stick to wine for now. Beer just sounds crass. I quite liked the bottle opened over Christmas. If time allows, which I doubt it will, I want to watch Munich. Thanks also to everyone who messaged me! That would mean beni, musa, vicks, dai wei, jeremy and jie min! Haha, the last one was unexpected.

And now I must turn my attention to more pressing issues. The block test approaches in two weeks, and my preparations are at best minimal. To make things worse, my schedule for the next two weeks is blocked up with numerous activities. Makeup lectures on Tuesday and Thursday, S paper training tomorrow, MUN meeting on Wednesday, CCA signup on Friday and of course the last round of adjudication for the JGs. I just realised I'll be busy every single afternoon this week!!! And then when the holidays come round I'll have the MUN conference from Thursday to Saturday. Simply put, I feel stressed.

Well, at least I can look forward to more of my cell J1s in school from tomorrow onwards. Although I dread the racket the ogs will make.... I wonder how the councillors cope...

18 years to the day

2006-03-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

On my way to church today I was reflecting on turning 18. To me the significance attached to the ages of 16, 18 and 21 is almost arbitrary. How is it that society, or the state, deems me mature enough to bring life into this world (ie have sex) at 16, whereas I can only drink at 18? Shouldn't the first be a weightier matter in terms of consequence? And what is it about 21 that makes me an adult? A century ago I'd probably be married at my age. Now, it is only when I am a year above 20 that I am eligible to vote, buy a house, drive a car. The numbers almost seem silly.

Anyway, my buddy group surprised me with a cake! Louisa had some of those candles that never go out no matter how many times you blow them, but hers didn't work. They went out with one snuff. Humph. I'd always wanted to see one of those in action. And John got me a Graceland keychain that spells my name.

My birthday is much more subdued this year with the absence of my parents. I spent dinner in the Kuali, an Asian buffet restaurant at Suntec that is definitely NOT worth the price. I'm never going back there again. But I'll bet it would have been better if my parents were around. It is lonely to eat with just my brother as company, not that that's bad, but it just feels so much more quiet.

I think I shall uncork a bottle of wine tomorrow and toast myself to a great year ahead, haha. And then to count my blessings.

2006-03-03T18:36:00.000+08:00

My mom left for KL today, so she can't celebrate my birthday this year. So we had the cake last night instead. Blackforest cake. A classic choice. I think I'll have blackforest cake as my birthday cake for the rest of my life, haha.

Then this morning I got this handmade double sided photo frame (I don't really know how to describe it) from Beni. Thank you Beni! It's really nice and pretty! I'm very touched. Now I can look at my favourite people in class at home too, haha.

Oh yes, and Vicks also gave me a handmade card last week 'cos she couldn't wait. Rest assured that it's proudly on display on my study table surface. Thank you Vicks! I'm touched too!

We watched the first act of Top Girls in Lit lecture today. ugh. The dialogue was hopelessly out of sync with the actors. In any case, I realised how much the act is written to resemble real life. It really does sound like a bunch of women talking furiously at the same time.

People and Politics. I wish, that for once in a long time, elections in Singapore will be more exciting, and that hopefully the opposition can win a few more seats in Parliament. I really find it ridiculous that my district is lumped under Marine Parade GRC when I stay at Upper Aljunied Road. Shouldn't I be in Aljunied GRC?? And guess what, Serangoon is also under Marine Parade GRC. The whole thing's a joke, seriously...

I don't wish opposition for the sake of opposition, but when you've got a party in power for the past 40 years, even having that doesn't sound too bad. And if we do have more opposition seats in Parliament for the sake of opposition, it won't be too bad since they won't be in power anyway. I can't wait to vote. Turning 18 is a step forward I guess.

Never again

2006-03-02T14:42:00.000+08:00

I will never, ever again take another Chinese lesson for the rest of my life!!! Or at least, for the next 5 years. Maybe my future job may require me to go to China and I'll require some major brushing up on my pathetic Chinese linguistic skills.

Gotta go get History readings!

When the hurly-burly's done, when the battle's lost and won

2006-02-27T21:18:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Bryan! All the best for the rest of the year!

What form of prayer can serve my turn? "Forgive me my foul murder?" That cannot be, since I am still possess'd of those effects for which I did the murder.

May one be pardoned and retain th'offence?

Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

Things to think about. It's remarkable, finding stuff that strikes even late in a dreamy afternoon.

2006-02-26T18:20:00.000+08:00

Some quiet time at last. I've been quite busy over the past two days. On Friday I went to Deyi secondary to adjudicate the JG Debating Championships. I had just begun to watch what seemed like a promising debate between RI and SCGS, when Mark Gabriel came and told me Room 10 was missing a judge and he needed me there. So it was good in a sense that I went from being a shadow adjudicator to being a full one. Lots of other people got swapped around, I later learnt.

Then came the hard part. Room 10 was one of the C Division rooms. At secondary school debating level, teams are organised into A, B or C divisions. This is not based on age, as in sports, but rather on quality. So it was a pretty agonising evening for me having sit through three C div debates. It was pretty much like hearing two people adamantly restating their stands over and over again, taking no trouble at all to explain why the other side was wrong. If they did explain it was in one-liners. The first round was a clear win by the Prop, so that was easier to judge. But the next two rounds were extremely close, and that makes judging debates so difficult. It's worse when the arguments are bad. And also if you haven't eaten dinner. We had no time to eat because the round started at 6. By the third debate I was just wishing the whole thing to end.

But it was a good experience overall. No matter how painful it was, I found adjudicating to be quite fun. I'm looking forward to the next round. Hopefully I'll be judging a better division.

Yesterday I went to NUS early in the morning for the Singapore Forum on Politics. It was really long, but there were interesting speakers thankfully, who raised very provocative points. Like how Singapore cannot survive in the long run without political choice.

Well, Week 9 beckons. It's high time I try to catch up on my work. I either just can't find the time or energy to start...